my love story

[shaun]

David,  It really hasn't been THAT big of a deal.   The real issue isn't jealousy it is learning to overcome the past more than anything else.  Sometimes I think I jumped into the scene a little to soon.  Peggy has helped me to heal from the previous 27 years of BS.  Trust was another issue that took me a while to get.

When I have the occasional moment now all I have to do is see Peggy's face and hear her voice and all is well.  I really can't remember exactly when the last time it happened.  It has been a few months.

But on the other side I have been there for her too.  I have helped her to overcome so of the previous issues.  Just getting to know each other and spend a month together helped us both.  The one ingredient we so often miss in these kind of relationships is time together seeing how we respond to the environment before us.

[Arnold]

Goes to show , these Lady's are not the only ones with a terrible Past to deal with sometimes . This means , we must overcome not only the Lady's .. but our own Shadows of dark times . Twice as hard and must proceed more slowly and with MORE patience , sometimes for two People .. so somebody got to step up to the Plate and take control of the ongoings backed up with lot's of Love/Kindness for their own good . Good job Shaun !

[Bee964]

I agree with you Arnold! These ladies are very special indeed! They are ready to show us their love unconditionally and we should be ready to do the same. I like Shaun and John, and probably many others, just have a terrible past to keep in the past. It is very easy to say that it is the past and get over it than to actually do this. Maxx and David E, I know it has to be done but it is not an easy thing to do sometimes. Everybody is different and they will handle this differently from others. You sometimes have to keep on your toes with yourself to keep any trust issues that are unnecessary in check. These ladies deserve the love and trust we need to give them without conditions. What they do with this is up to them. If they value your love and trust, you will see it in their eyes and feel it in your heart. I know I do. This helps me a great deal to not feel the pain of the past when Ling Ling asks questions about my past marriage or about my ex-wife.

Dave C

[David E]

OK Dave

I think your post deserves some thought and a "careful" reply......

It is virtually certain that the vast majority of Bros on this site have some bad stuff in their past, caused by some sort of emotional damage or such. I know I have had my share !!!

What I was getting at in my previous post was that we cannot ever transfer this scenario onto our new wives/fiances/girlfriends. They were not part of it, and they sure dont want to be buried in trust issues that have nothing to do with them.......it's a big ball and chain around their ankles to expect it od them. Likewise, neither do we want to be the recipient of any "baggage" they bring from their past. Sure, to know and understand the history on both sides is healthy...but to know is enough.

I does not matter in which way any of us deal with it, but the only way we CANNOT deal with it is to allow it any presence or traction inside our new relationship.

The past is never over....it is what defines us and what adds to our overall life experience along the way.....use it for positive growth. But to use it as a crutch or a wall to hide behind in the future...will lead to trouble.

Remember...you cannot force anybody to love you, to trust you or to not be hurt by jealousy....you have to earn it.

My 2 cents worth.

[JOHN1964]

On the 25th of December MinYing hired a translator to attend the "meeting" with the family and for us to discuss our future and plans together, I told the family that MinYing and myself would be able to return to Handan every year to stay with the family for a month or so, The brother asked if we might buy an apartment in Handan so we would have some where to stay with every time we do return, I thought that this might be a good idea and i asked the average price of them in the city, They sounded to be well priced so i said to the translator that it would be something that i would discuss with my wife when i next return in the middle of the year.
Yesterday i got an e,mail from my wife ,,,she wrote "John, do you remember the PROMISE that you made with my family to buy an apartment in handan when you return in the midyear,?,  I know your current financial situation and i was surprised that you said that we would buy the apartment in the mid year,,How are we going to do this"'?,  It seems that something was lost in translation,,
How am i going to save face with the family?,  I DO NOT make promises that i can not keep, I was stunned at this e,mail ,, I replied to MinYing twice with the dis-belief of her letter, She has not replied to me, She has also not replied to my text messages, I know she is having problems with her phone at the moment and i hope this is the case for not not replying to me,,I had a sleepless night about this PROMISE,, I explained in my e,mail that it was badly translated but no reply,,,The last thing is for her family,And her to think that i am not a man of my word , I have had a real shit day today, I do not know what to do, She , is the light of my life and i do not want her to think badly of me, What can i do?.

[halfpint]

If it was me, I'd pour a drink, slowly sip it, then tell myself to relax.  It's probably not as serious as it 1st sounded.  Then I'd probably pour another drink and start to think good thoughts.

[RobertBfrom aust]

John , hope the 24 hour rule did not go out the window , my answer would have been " when I return in Mid year as I said to the translator we can look at what is available and the pricing and go forward from then "  or simple words to this effect ,  goodluck regards Sujuan and Robert .

[David E]

John.....procrastinate......wait until mid-year visit, there are many , many reasons why you could/could not proceed with the purchase of an apt.

The more you try to dig yourself out of an obvious translation misunderstanding, the deeper will be the hole !!!!!

[JOHN1964]

Thanks guys, Firstly, Half pint, I did pour a few last night but i still had the trouble sleeping,,Robert, No The 24 hr fule did not go out the window, I was not angered, Just a little dumbfounded by the wrong translation, The reply e,mail that i sent to MinYing was explaining that what they heard was not what was said on the day, David, I will talk with my wife when i do return in May, Yes i have booked my next flight,  ,We will look around and make the decision from there.
There is a problem with MinYings phone so she went in to the agency today and wrote me from there,( i am so releived). She understands the misunderstanding and assures me that we can both work together to find the best solution to this little problem, She is just worried about the family thinking less of me but she is sure that it will be resolved and "save face".
As always, Thanks guys for the advice, I am pretty much a loner here as i have my teenage children, They are my life and i do not have much time for friends, You guys are always full of good advice and are a great help, Again i praise this web site for us all to have somewhere to get the good advice from others with similar situations and also for us to tell others of our love for these wonderful women, Again many thanks,,,Regards from John.

[Vince G]

John Tell her the only "Promise "you made was to talk to her about it. There should be no Face lost except by the bad translator. If your wife is questioning this? it doesn't seem to be set in stone.

[maxx]

John what Vince is saying is right.And I think your lady's family will see it that way.So you and your wife didn't lose any face.

[JOHN1964]

well guys, time to finish it all before i do something drastic, since the incident with the translator fucking things up at the family dinner, my "wife" has chosen to change her cell phone number and chosen not to reply to my letters to her qq number, I know she has read them as she was on my computer in Handan before and logged on permanently and i can see if she reads my replies , she has but not replied, i think i will just raise my children as best as i can and leave the rest to fate, i will later on in life look for someone here in Australia to be my partner as i can marry again here without getting the divorce as it is not on file here, At this moment i am very heart broken and if not for my children i do not know what i might do.
why are people so capitalistic , I would have given my life for this woman but it seems to be worth nothing, All my life i have been fucked over for a woman, I only want to be happy, Am i asking to much??, Sorry for the language here tonight guys, but we are all grown adults and heard it all before, good bye guys.

[Vince G]

Jumping the gun a little don't you think? I don't know what was said in the email and other messages but she may be cooling off or unable to reply? You said she had a problem with her phone so maybe changing the number was part of the fix? I would give all I can before I would let it all go to hell. You say you care for her very much? Then show it, let her know. I understand that walking away may be the easiest for you and most of us here can relate to the "All my life i have been fucked over for a woman" But after all you had to go through I wouldn't just turn and walk away so quickly.

[halfpint]

John, sorry things seem to have gotten mixed up.  Take your time and wait.  I'm sure you will get a response.  Maybe she is sick, or needs time to think through what she is doing.  I hope it works out for you.

[David E]

John

That's not such good news, I sure hope that the problem is some sort of communication glitch and not something more sinister.

But there is only a couple of options for you to ponder......

1) It IS a communication glitch and soon she will be back "on line" and all will be well and you can get on with your life together.

2) It stems from the issues of the failed Tourist visa and the "misunderstanding" about you buying an apartment.

On the bright side, if this lady has walked because you wont buy an apartment...then you are a lucky Man to have found out the truth about her early on in the piece !!

Sure, maybe she lost a lot of face, telling all friends and family that she was going for a holiday in Aus, and that her LG was going to buy an apartment ...both of which evaporated.
Nevertheless, such a disapointment is not enough to destroy a marriage !!!

Either way, you will get to know the truth of it all sooner rather than later. Meanwhile dont ASSUME anything, keep up your communication efforts and see what transpires down the track...it may be all "a storm in a tea-cup" !!

Hang in there, life was not meant to be easy  , but knowlege is power.

David

ps...if it all is terminal.....get your divorce from her...if you find a Lady in the future you will be a bigamist...and that could cause you a heap of other problems