Author Topic: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness  (Read 2074 times)

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Paul Todd

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Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« on: December 02, 2010, 04:17:06 am »
Now a word from out hosts.....

Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness..........
Now, listen up, you foreigner boys and girls, Chinese New Year is around the corner and I want to talk to you seriously about fireworks. So wipe that smirk off your face and listen up.
As a Chinese, I want to be honest with you. For the past 30 years, we have opened up to the West, and welcomed foreigners like yourselves to come here to do business, to make money, even gave you some easy credit to let you buy real estate, marry our women, whatever. But this does not make you Chinese. There are things we reserve for ourselves, and it really doesn't matter how long you have been here, just don't assume you can be one of us, and don't touch the following three things:

CHICKEN FEET,

SEA CUCUMBERS

AND FIRECRACKERS!

Most of you are well trained enough to withhold your chopsticks, whichever way you are holding them, and stay away from the chicken feet at Chinese dim sum restaurants. But some of you are show-offs. Most of the time, you are trying to prove to your Chinese girlfriend's parents that you are so Chinese. "Look, I am eating chicken feet. Mmm ... Good!"

Don't do that. We really get annoyed when foreigners try to chomp on chicken feet. Sometimes, you are so polite, you don't spit out the bones, you chew them and try to swallow them. That's totally unacceptable. Because, when you do that, most Chinese start getting anxious about you choking to death on the damn chicken bones. And it is very difficult to enjoy dim sum when you are anxious.

Sea cucumbers are not for you either. Most of you are rather intimidated by slimy sea things - jelly fish, sea cucumbers. But, there are those of you who are so brave that you insist on trying it, and pretend to enjoy it. Most of the time, you are a foreign businessman, you don't want to offend your Chinese host by not eating the most expensive dish ordered.

I've got some news for you. Guess what? He didn't order it for you! He ordered it for the Chinese at the table! Do you know how difficult it is to soak the sea cucumber so it acquires the right slimy texture? No one can master it in his own kitchen. Only the restaurants can. So stop trying to pick up the sea cucumber with your chopsticks, it will probably end up in your lap anyway. Just politely put the untouched dish back on the lazy susan. We are not impressed by sea cucumber chivalry.

Now fireworks. It is strictly, strictly for us Chinese. We really don't want you anywhere near fireworks. First of all, it is dangerous. You don't understand why 1.4 billion people have to turn into pyromaniacs for one night. It's totally beyond your comprehension. But we love it; we have been setting off these things since we were three and for 5,000 years. So let me just say that fireworks are not for barbarians like you. You don't get it. On the other hand, we Chinese have great tolerance for fireworks; it's one night when you can do some damage and get away with it. For example, you can burn a building down, a brand new building, with stuff in it. How can you comprehend that level of generosity?

And, don't you dare try to do the same, we simply have no tolerance for it. You try to burn a building down, we will kill you, because, you were probably high, and we really don't give a hoot whether you are mentally disturbed or whether your govenment is going to make endless harassing phone calls.

So, you better be good, you better be nice, because firecrackers are coming to town!

Folks we have been warned! ;)

Offline shaun

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2010, 05:14:34 am »
Great Paul!!!!    I agree.    Now I know what Peggy was trying to get me to eat my second day in China, and why the women were watching me try to eat sea cucumber.   I remember my second trip when I saw a pigeon sitting before me and I tried to eat it and finally said enough is enough.   Now I have my excuse.  You don't want me to eat this.   ;D

Offline David E

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2010, 05:19:51 am »
Dear Mr or Ms Chinese Person

Us Laowei's note with interest your cautions about the restrictions placed upon us in our efforts to demonstrate a level of acceptance with and integration into, your society...which we acknowlege is umpteen thousand years old and in which you were doing civilised stuff when we were in animal skins and bashing Mammoths for food.

The art of chopsticking is uniquely Chinese........and who else eats their food with two pieces of wood held in one hand??...we at least had the good grace to invent knives and forks...which double as lethal weapons if necessary !!!....ever tried to eat peas with a knife...I defy you Chinese persons to do this...one at a time with chopsticks is your best shot !!!

Chickens feet and sea cucumbers defy the western imagination and are best left to the Chinese...us westerners better stick with more wholesome foods like sweetbreads (bulls balls to you ), offal (animal guts to you) and jellied eels ( invented by the English as an instant aid to vomiting)...chickens feet and slimy cucumbers (not really a cucumber but some toxic sea creature that squirts if you tread on it !) dont really count as food...its only a way to ensure that nothing gets wasted and every possible edible thing gets eaten eventually...and you call that civilised ???

BUT...and it is a big BUT....dont mess with the fireworks thing when you speak to an Englishman...we know all about fireworks...ever heard of Guy Fawkes ??? English folk have been dabbling with fireworks for a few hundred years...even Guy tried to blow up Parliament with them...and 2 world wars must demonstrate some sort of skill with stuff that goes BANG.

As a Laowei in China I was encouraged to let off fireworks in the street at New Year and even the local Coppers helped to keep the locals far enough away so that the Laowei only blew himself up !! Despite my best efforts, I never got to set fire to a building...the only casualty was my trousers !!!...and everybody thought this was seriously funny...except me.

So dont think that because your society is 5000 years old that there aint a few tricks the foreigners can teach you........if you dont be careful, we will steal all yer women  ;D ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: December 02, 2010, 05:22:20 am by David E »

Offline Bee964

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2010, 02:25:15 pm »
So, you better be good, you better be nice, because firecrackers are coming to town!

Folks we have been warned! ;)

I have almost forgotten all about this. I will be in GuangZhou from january 27th to february 15th. Ahh to be in the land of firecrackers,..... on vacation,..... with some RMB to burn in my pocket,.... now, I wonder if my lady will be upset with me if she loses me to a fireworks vendor for the night? Beer, matches, fireworks,.... what could go wrong?  ;)

Dave C
Life is like a jar of Jalapenos-- What you eat today will burn your ass tomorrow!.

Offline Kiwi303

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2010, 05:07:47 pm »
Beer, matches, fireworks,.... what could go wrong?  ;)

Dave C

Nothing much, it's when vodka or other high proof spirit is around that you have to watch that sparks don't set off the booze. Beer is too watery to burn well.

Offline shaun

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2010, 05:39:26 pm »
Now that sounds like experience.  :o ;D

Offline Bee964

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Re: Dear laowai, don't mess with our Chinese-ness
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2010, 09:47:29 am »
Kiwi303,

I meant the beer to be consumed not burned. Any alcohol and guns or explosives is always a bad mixture. The result is usually not good.

I do have several videos involving fireworks. they are usually funny. I wish I could post them here.

I inherited one thing from my dad. A fascination with explosives. I have never done anything dangerous. My dad grew up in a mining town. He and his friend found some blasting caps in a box once. They picked up a big rock and dropped it on the box and were thrown back by the ensuing blast. He was lucky that they did not hurt themselves.

I have always loved fireworks. They had a big firework display in the city I used to live in every year for the freedom festival. I will miss seeing that now that I have moved away.

Now I don't want to hijack this thread any further.

Dave C
Life is like a jar of Jalapenos-- What you eat today will burn your ass tomorrow!.