The worst day of my life.

[Jimmy]

Well it looks as if my journey is finally over.  I am back in the US and have bought a very nice house on the water in fact. Some thing I have always wanted. As soon as I arrived my Ex wife kicked the Children out of her house told me to never bring them back. So I will do as she asked, and never burden her with them again.  But I do have them and the 3 of us are very happy. We missed each other very much.  And they sure did grow a lot while I was in China. I guess I was gone longer than I thought.

A few days ago received a letter from USCIS. It said Visa approved on it. you would think this is good news. But no it has turned out very bad. My wife and I were making the plans of getting her to GZ for the interview and all that is needed for the final step. She brings up the subject of her son. I told her I thought that was all decided. She told me (as I expected) at the last minute she will not leave him in China.
He still refuses to go to school and has learned no English. His English consists of less than 10 words. I tried very hard to explain to her he will certainly fail in the US.  Although at this time in his life he would fit right in. Since most Americans also expect everything for nothing. She promised me he would go to school and anything else she could think of. But I had to tell her I understand she loves her son and will never feel bad she wants him with her. But I also know she is only making excuses so I will change my mind.  As I told her he has had almost 2 years to do these things, and still has made no effort. I do not believe anything would be different. She then made her worst mistake of all. She asked me if I would talk with him. I agreed.

He got on the call with me, claims he was sorry and would be willing to get a job and give me the money if I will let him come. I tried to explain to him this is not about money at 16 he can not even earn enough to feed 1 person anyway.  Many of you guys know the kinds of things these people will say that are just stupid. Americans are the very best at telling lies and screwing people over. So we easily see thru the bad stories.  He then went on into the threats, like if he can not come he will be sure his mother will not come either.  I told him this will not work either. He laughed and told me the discussion was over. He has won and there is nothing I can do about it.

I got back on the call with my wife. I told her everything that was discussed and then had to tell her. With his current attitude. I do not even want him here now. She would not believe he had said those things, as I also expected. She then started crying and told me she would never divorce me. I told her that this was a good thing. Because I do love her very much, and for the rest of my life I will never have any one but her. 
At this point no one wants anything to do with me. Except my 2 daughters. So what I am I going to do?

Well I have decided to live here in my house and raise my 2 little girls alone. I will go fishin every chance I get. And turn into one mean old bastard.  I am heart broken and very bitter and do not expect to change.
I Love kids so maybe do what I can to put as many as I can on the right track. I will pay my taxes, and other than that the USA can kiss my ass.
So for 2 years of my life and $25k. I have another life experience and a wife that I love very much but will probably never see her again.  Maybe in 2 or 3 more years after the son has grown a little more and will finally leave his mother. If she has not found a new husband. She will come home to me.
I can say for sure I will never let another woman into my life. She is the best and I will accept no less for my family.
 

[Arnold]

I am shocked !
What can we say .. other then .. we feel for you Jimmy . I know your Heart is still with your Wife , but you did right by coming back to your Children . Hopefully time will fix this mess/stress her Son put you in . Don't let contact to your Wife stop .. ever . This Kid needs a good asswipping he'll never forget .

[metooap]

Man up!

Jimmy

I have been reading your posts and looking at your pictures and too me it seems that you and your lovely wife could not have been happier.

Now you have a challenge before you. Maybe one of the best things to do right now is to step back and take a small break. Get your thoughts and actions together and then develop a game plan to accomplish what both you and your wife want.

Trust me I know the feeling about no one wanting to have anything to do with you. It is because most likely people are hurt, disappointed and do not understand that you really love your wife.

Also, think about something. Your - and I will say this again – Your son is 16. Although he maybe in China, he is probably no different than any other 16 year old. You probably have a lot of dynamics going on with your son including not only being jealous, but the person maybe scared as hell.  Your son maybe scared to come to the US; afraid to leave his friends. He may be afraid of his place with his new father and his mother. The young person even though he may be scared as hell, he knows that he has one trump card – that is mother’s love.

You have to make some key decisions here. If I was making that decision, I would tell myself, do not even think about giving up or throwing in the towel.

Things have just gotten interesting that is all. Ask yourself two questions, the answers to the questions will really tell you and your wife what you must and what you will most likely do. The questions are – Do you really love your wife? Does your wife really love you?

If the answer is yes – then like my 8 year old grandson likes to tell me - man up!

Don’t let a 16 year old whipper snapper that you know cannot hold your jock strap outwit you. You have come too far – to wimp out now. 

Your wife’s challenge that is dealing with a 16 year old knuckle head is your challenge too.

So you both have to put your heads together and come up with a solution that is best for you both. And whether you like it or not, you have to do it in the best interest of your family – that includes the 16 year old; and in my opinion, any action you take - you must do it with love.

[Irishman]

Jimmy, I think you are taking the easy way out here.
Anything worth having doesn't come for free. Why the heck would anyone want to live alone when they have a wife that obviously loves them somewhere else? You should be moving heaven and earth to get this sorted.
I hope Maxx posts to this, you need some straight talking from someone you will listen to.

[maxx]

Jimmy what the hell are you doing.This little journey is not for quitters.You knew that when you started this.Get the hell out of your head.And stop over thinking this.You love the woman.The woman loves you.So I ask you what is the problem? So little boy is making waves.Yes you knew that was going to happen.It is just a minor inconvenience you and your wife need to work threw.

Take a couple of days get your head straight.Then go back at this.Remember when you were having trouble with your wives visa.This is the same thing.You were down in the dumps for a week.We along with your wife.Picked you up and got you going again.It is the same thing Jimmy.She didn't leave you when you were in the hospital.Why would you leave her.

You know what happens next Jimmy.Don't make me go thiere.If you need to talk call me or Pm me.You still have my number right? .Give me 3 or 4 hours.I'm taking Tristan out for his birthday.I along with the rest of your brothers will help you.And your wife work threw this.So take some time stop feeling sorry for yourself.And Take a look at what Metoop posted to you.I think thiere is some sound advice thiere.

[shaun]

I really don't think I have to say much after M & M.   But JIMMY?   JIMMY?   What are you doing?   Are you going to let a little 16 year old boy kick your ass?  You know he has been waiting for this moment.  He has been planning it.  Also you know your wife was going to try.  That is what mothers do.

Then at the end of your post you say the most amazing thing.  You say you love kinds and will try to put as many as you can back on track.  That is, with the exception of one.   Geeze your mission is right in front of you and you walk away.  Bring him over and put him on track.  It's not to late.   When he is over here he is on your turf not his.

[halfpint]

Jimmy,

I think you are getting some very good advice, especially "Now you have a challenge before you. Maybe one of the best things to do right now is to step back and take a small break. Get your thoughts and actions together and then develop a game plan to accomplish what both you and your wife want" from metoap. 

You are dealing with another challenge, take some breathing space, come up with a plan, then tackle it head on.  Focus on your objective, having your family with you.

Everybody here feels for you.  And the good part about having the worst day of your life, well, the next day gets better. 

Alan

[shaun]

Jimmy,

I was a little harsh in my comment to you but I sure hate to see you walk away.  Yes you do need to back up a few and breath but don't do it for long.  Don't leave such a good woman hanging.

You know we are all behind you.  I am sure once you calm down a little and think this through that you will see what you need to do better.

You said it, "She is the best..."  Don't let "the best" slip through your fingers.

[Rhonald]

My story shares many similarities to Jimmy's. My wife also has a boy that is 16 years old. I can relate a little to what Jimmy is going through and I imagine there are details involved that the rest of us do not know when passing along advice. Most of the posts I bet were thought out in less then an hour and I bet Jimmy has had many days looking into the future dreading but realising that this day would unfurl as it did. Since I do not know all his details I can only revel mine in order to pose reasonable examples.

From 2006 to 2008 my stepson lived with his grandparents. My wife's foster mother became very sick in 2006 so my wife had to take care of her thus the son was sent to the grandparents. I visited my wife the 1st time in Dec 2008 and never meet her boy. If I had known how her boy would and has acted on all my future trips, I doubt I would ever had made that 1st trip. He moved back with her in January 2009 because the grandparents were retiring and moving to Hong Kong. Since his move back he also has not gone to school. He spends most days on the internet or playing computer games. He has also resisted learning English. Many times he throws temper tantrums and breaks things. Even the PSP I brought as a gift is now broken. He blames his mom when he looses his cool and expects his mom to buy new stuff when he breaks things in anger.

I am in a bit of a dilemma. If he comes to Canada, by law I am responsible for him for 10 years. It's crazy but that is the sponsor agreement. For my wife I am only responsible for 3 years, but him 10.

Now I love my wife, but I love my son more. My boy lives with me but if my stepson raises a big deal here, I can see my boy's mother's side fighting to take my boy away from me. So you can understand my thinking when part of me wishes that my stepson does not come. But also as a father I understand that my wife has no one to leave her child with. She has threatened him that if he is not willing to learn English while we wait for the visa, she will leave him in China and send him some money for support. My thinking is, well in 2 years time he is eligible for the draft - the army would be a good choice to instill discipline in the boy.

My wife has given me much. I feel that I could carry on very comfortable living without her but meeting her has been the reason for my new found confidence. For this I feel obliged that I need to look past her son's failures and hope that I can help both her & her son to a better future. I never wished this new ordeal. Heck I just wanted a loving wife, but as Metooap has mentioned - a new adventure starts.

My greatest desire is that in the future the boy turns out for the best. I never wanted to tame the beast but life throws a mean curve ball.

Jimmy I am sorry that I partially hijacked your thread, but please know that I will not judge you as harshly as others because I can understand the frustration you feel. Get to enjoy your new found time with your girls and take my wishes for a better tomorrow.

[JamesM.Roberts]

Dear Jimmy I am very sad that things have not worked out for you, as you have always encouraged and been there for me and the others. You have always impressed me as someone with a big heart and sound advice ( Do you remember giving me the following advice?)
"It's a pretty tricky deal hooking up with a married woman. It can go either way. Just my opinion, as always you gotta make the call."
The advice was spot on. I will never pass judgment on you, as you are the only one who knows all the details.
I would like to say, that it is also tricky hooking up with a woman who has a kid from a previous. I myself have two of my own, and have had two step children. I did try my best to love all equally, and maybe I am a bad person for saying so, but there is a difference.The bond one gets from holding their own new born baby is a strong bond.
I only mention this in the defense of your beloved, as this is the bond you are asking her to severe. No matter how screwed up the kid maybe, it is still her baby.
You have just gotten your dream house on the water and have been reunited with your two daughters and gotten your ex-wife out of your life.
Please do me a favor Jimmy, as one friend to another. Answer one question for me.
Why did you name this thread "The worst day of my life"?
We both know why, and dammit I think you deserve to be happy. Just my opinion, as always you gotta make the call.

[Willy The Londoner]

I am also sorry to read your story.

Ok you got your daughters back but are you really going to walk out on a women you love very much.   I have no idea how old your kids are but they are not going to be there forever but a wife could well be.

But then maybe there is something hidden that we all do not know about.  That is your business not ours. 

Maybe ity is good that you put your daughters above your wife.  I do not know.  I am just glad it is not a decision that I would want to have to make.

Look at it this way.  Would you leave your daughter again.  No.  Then she is hardly likely to give up on her son.  He is a teenager.  He probably is getting hassled in school about his Ma being with a Yankee Foreigner.

I know kids who went through that in the early sixties when the immigrants from the West Indies were arriving in the UK. 

But all of a sudden you buy a house in the USA and make a decison that will be be painful for all concerned.   Your wife will be devastated, her son will in later years feel he was to blames and even your daughters will think it was their fault.   

Whether you are right or wrong only you will know the answer but I do find Americans decide to do something regardless.  It has happened recently and no doubt it will happen again. 

There have been many divorces and split ups from wifes on this Forum but I cannot recall any of them being from outside North America.

But whatever we say will not take away the pain.

Willy

[Pineau]

Jimmy, this is indeed horrible. The little shit is coping an attitude and trying to manipulate, you by threatening trouble. What arrogance, what balls,And he knows he can pull it off because he knows that in his mothers eyes he is the reincarnation of Buddha. I went through a miserable time trying to raise Jings son to age 18. It was one catastrophe after another. Skipping school. Hocking things at the pawn shop selling and using drugs.  When ever I tried to put my foot down she would whine,,,he's just a little boy. RIGHT an 18! little 18 year old year old drug dealer . Jimmy, I sent Jings boy to a private school in Hunan to learn english.   What a glorious waste of time and money. He played and goofed off for three years. You need to stand your ground now. If you don't he will make you life and your girl's lives miserable. I don't want you to throw in the towel but you are about to sacrifice a great deal of quality life for her had here son. DONT DO IT. Give here some choices she can live with.  Seriously, I have regretted every minute after bringing her son to America. And it is not just Jings son. It is ingrained into the Chinese culture that her son can do no wrong and is the most important thing in her life.

[Willy The Londoner]

I think Pineau comments are a warning to all.

It does not just apply to Chinese partners and their teenage off spring.  It can apply to any relationship whether mixed or same nationality.  It matters not whether the offspring is Chinese, English, American, French or Canadian but taking on a women with a teenage child or a close to being teenage child has added problems.  But onthe same hand if you have childfren in that age bracket then you may be the cause of any problem.

So think carefully.  Young children adapt.  Adult children put up with things and say nothing.  But you should know everything about a child in the 12 to 19 age bracket before making any commitment either here or in your own country.

Some can be Angels whereas others can be the devil incarnate.

Willy

[Rhonald]

Now this last post is well said advice Willy. Since my son is 1 year younger then her son, I am hoping he can be a positive influence on my stepson. I am very fortunate that my son is well behaved. He is not perfect, but then he is neither a terror.

Yes in hindsight I would rather had seen a woman with a child younger that I could have helped raise or older and self sufficient.

[Pineau]

You are right Willy. teenagers from any culture can put a strain on a second marriage and I believe they all have the built in survival skills to drive a  wedge between their parents an step parents. Its just something that you need to be aware of and willing to deal with. And I don't want to spoil anyones vision a their wonderful lady/wife. We all know there cultural difference and I want to point out for Jimmy this very big difference.  It's not just the wives, it's the entire family. The boy has favor over all the other siblings. He can act and behave like a selfish brat and everyone will cuddle him and laugh about how cute he is.

When I first met Jason (jings son) I was appalled and shocked by his behavior. He wouldn't sit still and kept ruining around the table grabbing food from other peoples plates taking a bites then putting it back.

I heard little voices speaking to me at that time "this boy is Chinese and needs to stay in china with relatives"
the other voice said "run away Gerry, run away"

But I was too much into Jing I didn't listen. And I have many times regretted it.  I could go on with this story but my purpose is not to bash Jings son. I just want you to know jimmy, listen to one of those voices.