Really need some help understanding small things

[pandapanda7]

Hey all, I have been dating a Chinese girl for 2 months now, and everything is going okay... but I keep running into problems.

I want to know all of the little cultural things that can cause problems, here is a few examples of things that made her get upset with me -

I said thank you and please often because it is normal in the West... she said she didn't want her closest to be polite, since it shows distance - this makes sense I suppose.

Another, I said something along the lines of "it's my job to be there for you" and she said the word "job" means I don't really want to do it - I didn't mean it like that... but she took it badly.


So, is there anything else like this I can avoid in future?

Also, what kinds of gestures would a Chinese boy do to his girlfriend?

All is not lost though, she recently told me she started to love me... but I don't want to ruin this relationship, because I love her too... I just don't know where I can go to learn about all the small cultural things, so any help from people that have experienced this type of thing would be great.

[Vince G]

Welcome to the Forum

You really have to watch out for the slang. We all have gotten so use to it expressing this way we don't realize how that translates. I don't really understand the please and thank you part? My guess is she thinks you only say this to strangers and not family? But it's all learn as you go. She has to be a little flexible as well in understanding your also from a different culture.

[Neil]

Dating face to face?  Or online?

Do you want to be a Chinese boy?  Changing who you are for a woman never works out.  Tell her if she wants you to act like a Chinese boy, maybe she should find herself a Chinese boy.  Meanwhile, be a man.

My wife has never once told me not to be polite to her. 

[shaun]

Panda,

I guess the job thing is different for each woman.  Peggy tells me it is my job to care for her.  But it could be a generational thing too.

[pandapanda7]

Some more info -

It's real life relationship, not online
She is from Chongqing, if that makes any difference... she tells me she is from traditional family with traditional values
I'm 25, she is 20 (she chose me for my age, wants a mature boyfriend)
We've been fairly intimate together, which I know is something important to Chinese girls
She always talks about marriage with me and having children

Despite all those things, I still feel I am pushing her away with each little problem I accidently create... it's so frustrating, I just want to avoid any possible problem in the future, but they seem to be able to appear out of nowhere, should I just be very careful with the words and language I use?

[JamesM.Roberts]

PandaPanda I really wish I could help you, but you have to understand that you are trying to understand thousands of years of ingrained culture and even at your age would take a lifetime to learn ......and longer to understand. Like Neil said just be yourself -if she really loves you ,,,,,then yourself will be good enough.
My wife would get upset from time to time, and I figured out  it was time for me to say    "you're tired go to bed"     surprisingly enough she usually was -then the next time we would talk everything was fine.
I always wondered why Ping's father was so quiet and stoic ...then he'd look at me smile and we'd clink  glasses. I know he likes me and figures America helped China out in WWII ...so maybe he will be able to handle my daughter 

[Arnold]

Welcome Panda , I to had this run-in with the Thank you . The only thing it was even stranger coming from my Wife . Every time I'd say "Thank you" to her , her responce .. You don't have to thank me ! On the other Hand , she's always thanking me . Even after we were Intimate , she'll be thanking me ! Which of course I except with a sence of Humour and not get in on that much more . Even opening a Car/or Restaurant Door for her , was a shock to her .. where she almost made me think .. I'd better stop doing this . I personally , think that it was embarrassing to her at first .. as I maybe was NOT seen as a "Man" in other Chinese Men seeing me doing this . She got used to that in a flash though and seen me for what I'm really are .. a Gentleman , which for her was of course something VERY new .
I recommend , if you are running into a mishap of sorts .. get her some Flower's and explain it as not knowing her Culture too well .. yet . This is why we have for us Men here .. Maxx's 24 Hour Rule , but we can not impose this on our GF .. onless your good enough to do it .
Best to follow ( when with your GF ) and watch closely as she does and learn from it . Do at all cost be Polite to her Parents though and use many Xie-xie's when needed .

[Jason B]

This is straight from my wife.  To explain the "thank you" thing, the first thing to understand is the Chinese psychie.  It is understood that a son or daughter will automatically love their parent and vice versa.  So therefore I do for something for you because I love you and know that you love me too and thank me by using or eating or whatever it is without actually saying thank you. 

This goes for the person most dear to you, ie. husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend or even best friends.  The only people they will say thank you to is outside of the people within their close social circle.  To actually say thank you is an affront to the person.  It almost taken as I am not your friend.  Do not be upset by this, this is a Chinese only trait.  It is very hard for a Chinese person to understand that by us saying thank you is meant as an endearment for doing something and is a complement.  Explain this as it arises and the situation should be made clear.

You are not pushing her away, but you need patience and explain everything that you feel is wrong, ask what is her interpretation of what needs to change to make things agreeable to you both.  What does she expect your responses and behaviours to be, explain what a western response would be, but most of all be honest with her and honest to yourself, do not say something just to end an arguement or disagreement that you do not believe in, it will come back to bite you next time the same or similar disagreement comes up and you come up with a different solution, she will see this as being deceiptful (and it is), come up with an equal agreement so everyone wins and everyone is understood.

We say thank you because that is the way we were brought up, Chinese do not say thank you because that is the way they were brought up. Understanding different customs is a great way to expand your understanding of your wife/girlfriend, and their world and their understanding of yours.  It also can make intergration into your country when she comes to live there easier as she will have an understanding of what to expect before the journey and makes your relationship fresh and alive everyday.

Welcome to the forum.

[Willy The Londoner]

Even being here for so long I still use please and thank you too much. I am seriously cutting it down as I was getting too many 'bie ke qi' in response.  But I still say it when I pay in stores and in taxis.  But less and less nowadays.

I am sure that if ever I go back to the UK for a visit I will be looked on badly there for not expressing my 'auto' thanks.   To be saying thanks all the time makes them think you are not close to them or their family.   Because if you were close you would expect them to do things without thanks and that is what they prefer.  Saying nothing but accepting what is given with a smile goes a lot further than western politeness.  Jason has correctly spelt this out in ways I won't repeat.

As for other words. We use phrases in the western world that do not translate very well into whichever Dialect she uses..  I doubt if there is a translating system in the world that can keep up with the growth of colloquial slang words.

My advice when speaking English is to talk like you would to a child in your own country.  Speak slowly and clearly and choose your words carefully - even if your lady speak fair English.

I have put 'job' in different translator sytems and most come up with 'A particulat task or piece of work that you have to do'  Understand the Chinese thoughts on this. They would prefer that you do not 'have' to do something for them but you 'want' to do things for them. 

I cannot say what a Chinese Boy would express to a girl. What does a young man say to a girl in his own country?  What was said in my days would not be said now. 

Although the basic culture remains the same here, there are subtle changes from Province to Province in both culture and words.  What is the right word in one province is different in another.  My wife and her family are from Hunan and they use some words that are alien to Guangdong born Chinese. 

At 25 you have got a long way to go but you have time on your side. At 60 odd years of age I am learning the Chinese life slowly but surely.

Willy

[David E]

Pandapanda

You mention that your relationship with your Chongching Lady is 2 months old...and it is a real relationship and not online.

I therefore assume you have been to China to meet with her ?
Do I also assume you are now back in your own City...wherever that may be...and you are continuing the relationship by a remote method?

Do you think that your communication "glitches" were more or less frequent when you were face to face, or have they got worse since you have not been together ??

But be careful, although there is good advice about how we "Westerners" need to modify behaviour and language to avoid cultural pitfalls, it is also relevant that you wont want to be spending the next "X" years worrying about what you say and how you say it....somewhere in the middle of this, your Lady has also got a bit of modifying to do.

I have been through the "thank you" scenario with my wife and we have agreed to differ. It is my culture to be polite to my wife, and it is her culture to not need "thank you's"...so we compromise....I dont change, she dont get upset...knowlege is power !!

David

[pandapanda7]

Thanks for all the help so far, perhaps I am overreacting  a little.

Just to add, we are at University together so I see her every day almost.

[lilyben]

Words of good advise.

A little while ago I decided ( I may add in good faith ) to use the services of Chnlove. In short,
I was asked to buy some credits ( which as it turn out to my luck ) I purchased 8 credits ONLY.
US$ 6.50 - per credit ( it means the cost per single reply ) 8 replies  = 8 credits.

Now, This is where things went wrong and it will go wrong for you too if you don't watch out!!!
When I initially showed interest with one Chinese lady. I just sent her a very short note ( saying little
about me ) when that lady replied and I had to use a credit to open her mail.
I got the biggest shock of my life. A lady I knew nothing about and she knew nothing about me.
Wrote in her mail. How lovely I was, How much she loved me and how wonderful life she will
have with me and so on... Well, the truth is. The lady is not the one who wrote to me but rather
it is her agency ( assigned by Chnlove ) This agencies must have a full book of compliments and false
words to drag you in and suck blood out of you. To put it simply, You are corresponding with the agency
not the ladies. This could go on and and on and not to mention the cost to you.

As soon as I was smart to figure out this scam. I decided to take my losses of 8 credits and stop.
If I was stuppied enough to continue. You guessed who will be the only winner ( the dating agency ) .
Leason learnt. Use your hard earned money wisley. DO NOT LET THIS AGENT SCAM YOU.
 

[Willy The Londoner]

Where have you been Lilyben?

I have been on this forum since 2009.  I have been successful and now live in China with my wife.  What you are telling us has been spoken of in depth by many people in those years.

As this is your first post was you just looking for forums to shout off too about your misgivings?  Stick around here continue your search and it does not have to be chnlove as there are many other avenues open to you.

P:ity you never found us sooner but then 50 dollars spent on trying to find as perfect wife is small potatoes really.  If you find one and fall in love then start thinking in the thousands!

Willy

Willy

[Arnold]

Willy, Lilyben actually spend $52 already and the way it looks.. he stopped there as not to "waste" any more Money on Woman in a far away Land. Come to think, I've been ripped off .. as I must of purchased at least 150+ Credit's til I found who I want to find. Ahhh well, live and learn!

[Scottish_Robbie]

hE DOES NOT MENTION WHAT AGENCY IT WAS EITHER