How to convince wife to seek help

[dumbo]

My wife moved from China at the end of July. I went to China five times before she received her green card, we met through chnlove. I have been reading the posts here, we have some problems in our marriage due to culture and me being single for too long. However, I believe now my wife has a mental problem or may be I have a mental problem because I think she needs help. She has a son from a previous marriage 7 years old. Our son is doing well in school, he is learning English fast, his public school has a Chinese immersion program so they teach English and Chinese. My wife on the other hand misses China. She thinks it was a mistake to marry me and come over here. Since July she has hit me 3 times, she has hit our son one time. She has a bad temper so I was used to some of the verbal temper, but I didn't expect to get into something like this. In all cases, the arguements or her reasons for hitting me are childish. later, she feels about what has happened, I have learnt that it is difficult for her to say sorry. I have tried several appoaches to get her to seek mental help. I suspect she has bipolar or some other type of depression. I am getting strong reaction from her not see a doctor. She comes up with many excuses, she has stopped attending social events with me. She is afraid to meet other Chinese people because she has trouble saying she is divorced and she has met me through  the internet. Her family knows that she has hit me and her sister wrote me an email saying she will do her best to convince her to get help. Does anyone any suggestions? I am hoping she can talk to one of the brothers wife who is already in the USA and may be she can talk to her about challenges in moving to USA?

I am self employed financial advisor/insurance agent so I have a good health insurance  plan, I will do my best to help her get the treatment she needs.

[Arnold]

Dumbo , we all know .. that like a Smoker .. you can not help much .. unless THEY themselves are reallizing that the problem is with them and not the surrounding world .
Counting out of course , there are reasons that we don't know about .. that causes her to act in this way . Being Homesick after six months is not really a big enough problem on hand to start hitting you over the Head , there are more serious issues with your Wife .
You say , you've been to China five times . Have you NOT noticed that this problem could arrive , as you must have talked about this move over and over ? Prepare her to whats to come or not to come . Being ashamed seeing other People of her Race due to her background doesn't really help matters any .
You are going to need a lot of Patience my Friend to work this through , but only if her love for YOU is strong enough .. otherwise I see not a happy end in sight .

[Vince G]

There is not enough info to even make an opinion. What causes the violence? and here in the US it is just that and there are consequences. She can't be missing China that much if she won't talk with other chinese people? If it seems that it will help? Send her back to her family. Let her spend a little time there. I would talk to the family also and if this was hidden? or you didn't see this before? ask the family. It could be frustration or a number of other things. She needs help.

[dumbo]

Thanks for the replies. I didn't see this coming when I visited her 5 times over 2 years. The first 2 times I stayed over 4 weeks each time and we lived together so I would have known if she had mental issues. Had she hit me in an arguement there, I would have ended the relationship long time ago. I noticed frustration with waiting for the visa and all the questions immigration asked back and forth. She was convinced that she would not get the visa for all kinds of small reasons and I think that was the start of her paronoia. I told her that she would get the visa and if small chance something happens and the visa is delayed I would move there for 6 months and teach English and the reapply from within China. She didn't like talking about her divorce while we were in China. Again, I understand this, because Chinese culture is not really open to the issue of divorce. I didn't make a big deal of this. One problem my friends here have pointed out is that her ex husband was very wealthy. He has left her a lot of money in divorce, I am doing okay by American standards but I am not wealthy like him. I am financial advisor for regular folks and I make enough to pay for rent and expenses. I never promised her a very wealthy life style. I am puzzled by her reluctance to talk to other Chinese folks, I strongly believe this is related to some mental disease and she is trying to avoid social contact. It is possible she was becoming bipolar over time and I didn't notice it, and moving here triggered this kind of response. I am also trying to get her to go back to China for few weeks and have her stay with family. I will have to take care our son for few weeks. Treatment options for a mental disease are not very good in China, but her family may convince her it is okay to receive help here.

The issue of whether I prepared her well to move here is a good one. I thought I did by American standards but she may have expected more. I selected a public school that teaches English and Chinese for our son. Her ex husband is very happy I did this and she is happy with it too. I am sometimes slow to buy things that she asks for. This gets her frustrated. She is unhappy about my very flexible and ever changing schedule as a financial advisor. We didn't have this issue when I was in China as I was able to adjust my schedule. I don't believe I do anything that is a reason for her to hit me.

I can't speak directly with her family but I write emails and write back in Chinese. I am going to try to get her back to China. I would appreciate advice from brothers who already have Chinese wives on how to get her to see a doctor here. This subject would not be easy with an American girl, it is even harder with a Chinese wife.

 

[Vince G]

Mental disorders are complex and very hard to pinpoint a diagnosis. A "average" bipolar has deep depression and springs back and forth. She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?

What your describing sounds more like just someone spoiled?   

[Arnold]

She may have a chemical imbalance which can cause mood swings. Is she rational in her actions? Does she swing at you for saying hello? or is it from anger in an argument? Does she get up in the middle of the night and put on makeup? sits in a rocking chair waiting for you to wake?

You have just discribed my Brother's Ex , that he left after some twenty years and one Daughter .. that was more than happy my brother left her . It drove both of them up the wall with her mood swings . A Cell Phone does not work after you drop it into your Coffee , just one of the things she would do out of the blue .
Getting the "RIGHT" Meds for those People is very difficult and then .. have them take it on a regular bases is another thing . Dumbo , I hope that she's is only Homesick and not be a case of Life Style .. that she had with Ex . How many years was she married to him , if we may ask ?
I think you are doing the best by convincing her to go back for a while and be with Family . Get this done and take it from there . How old is the Son ? Let's hope it doesn't effect him while Mom is gone .

[Jason B]

I would be very careful about calling it bipolar.  I once went out and lived with for a time a girl who was diagnosed with bipolar.  There are a lot of trigger signs that can point towards this mental illness.  The most obvious one being manic.  Does she appear calm and collected , in control and happy go lucky sort of attitude, which we would term normal behaviour, for a period of time say a month or two months, and then not get out of bed, sad and depressed the next day without any foreseen reason?  Does she impulse buy things for no reason?  These are some signs of bipolar.  Medications can help if it is diagnosed properly.  Some famous people have bipolar and with meds lead very normal lives.  Stephen Fry is one that springs to mind.

There maybe underlying frustrations that have not or she feels can not be expressed, whether this is a language issue or an age difference issue I am unsure of, maybe a little more family dynamics explanation would be helpful to enable others to offer the best advice.  Ask the son has she behaved like this before?  Is this a side of his mum that he has not seen before?  It maybe a simple case of she is frustrated with everything at the moment, like you said your work times are not fixed and she could be expecting some more normal routines to help her adjust to moving to the US.  6 months is a while to be able to adjust, but everyone is different and if there is no definate patterns in her life and she is bipolar this could tip the balance.

Ask her friends and family if this is a normal behaviour pattern and then and only then seek mental illness intrevention as medication will help but not if it is misdiagnosed.  This does need to be sorted immediately for everyone concerned.  If it is not a mental illness I would recommend councelling for everyone of you to get to the bottom of what is causing this behaviour and then you can all make a better judgement on the way forward.  All of the advice you will receive here is from some one else's point of view and experiences.  They are not living your life and only you, your wife and son can come up with the answers to move forward, whatever way that maybe.

[David E]

I dont know if we can even begin to fully understand what is going on with your Wife/your relationship, these are difficult and complex matters and for us to attempt to theorise about mental/medical conditions and treatments is unwise and unsafe.

But lets be very clear....when you arrive at physical violence, then you are a long way down a very slippery slope.

If you cant get your wife to acknowlege a problem and go to see a Doctor about it, maybe you can find some local Counselling Service that has Chinese Counsellors who may be able to begin a process, leading to a more rational approach to acceptance.

After about 5 months in US it is possible that she is in the train-wreck where reality meets unrealistic expectations.....especially from her perspective. Only you can fully understand what may have changed...have you looked deeply at yourself ?, have you continued to behave towards her in your "normal" day to day life as you did when you were courting her in China ? Do you feel that she had genuine expectations of life (prosperity) in US that are not being met ?. Has she become secondary to your daily grind of work, money and all the trivia that gets in the way...as we all know !!

If, on the other hand, she secretly had expectations of her new life that were totally unrealistic, then she will inevietably come to internal conflict at some time...maybe this is the time....how to fix this is impossible to say.....either she deals with the changes, or she doesn't. You cannot be responsible for her expectations UNLESS you led her to believe that her life would be something different to what it now is.

Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy...you are putting a band-aid on a Cancer and hoping for a miracle cure !!!

For myself.....if my wife ever got to hit me, it would be a signal that a lot, lot, lot of other things have gone wrong before this....and she would only hit me once !!!...because the single air fare to China would be purchased the same day !!!

You need to deal with this quickly, personally and ultimately be prepared to walk away if all else fails

Just my 2 cents worth

[Vince G]

Either which way, it is essential that she gets some help. I regret to say that packing her off to China for a "rest" would not be my preferred strategy..

I didn't see it or mean it this way. To clarify, it may give her time to collect herself and realize if she has a problem? that she needs help, or whatever her problem is will surface for her to comprehend. If there is no other way? a comfort zone may help.

[Willy The Londoner]

Hi Dumbo

I am not au fait with your history in this matter. I am only providing an insight into a reversed situation after I started to live in China Permanently.

I went through a period where I almost cut myself off from the World -   For awhile I DID actually miss being in the UK for a couple of months.  This was after I had been here for about 6 months.  I never got round to hitting anyone but I did start to feel frustrated at times. No English people to talk to, no contact with the Uk.

I found that by getting  more into the local life and chatting on skype both to people here and in the UK I soon got me over it.  BUT I did not have a close family. My sisters were scattered all over the place and we rarely go together so I had no one to really miss it was just a feeling of lonliness that came over me.

Before we all jump to conclusions just step back and question yourself and what has happened in past 5 months.

You son is at school and doing OK - kids are resiliant anyway - especially the under ten's.   I note that you was hoping a member could talk with her, so does that mean that there are no Chinese locally she is in contact with who she can just chat with? 

It is a major upheaval for most Chinese Woman to not only leave their country but more important, leaving what was probably a large extended family and going to a place where lonliness can be more of a problem.

I would say that he actions are more a cry for help.  Maybe hidden deep down she is hoping you will say that she can go back to China for a while.  How is her English? Is it good or is she still learning it. The lack of language can  add to lonliness especially if she does not feel confident in joining neighbours in a conversation.

As she has been away now for 5 months, have you  made any plans for a visit back to China yet.    You know that Chinese women rarely comes out and say's exactly what the problem is, they skirt around things.  Has she her own money to travel if she wanted to?

My wife went to ther UK with me on a vacation last year.  She said that she could never live there whcih suited me as I never want to live there again either. BUT if I had wanted to live there then she would have relocated there. BUT she would not have been happy about it. Heck when we were looking to buy an apartment here she was concerned about moving 5 miles away from all her family and friends and your wife has gone thousands of miles without being able to get a taste of life in the USA before the move.

I think that you must really consider offering her the chance of going back to China for the Chinese New Year. Of course doing that may mean that she will not return to the USA but regular trips back home could be the saviour of the marriage. A trip home in every school vaction could be just the ticket to bring back her happiness.    If she does not return home then that will be a risk but one worth taking for her future happiness.
 
Willy

[Martin]

Between David and Willy's posts, there is really nothing of value that I can add. Let us know how things are going, and what route you take. Keep us posted. This is important for all members to know about, as similar issues may crop up for guys.

[Scottish_Robbie]

plesse don't take this personal martin.  If I remember right your wife was in your country, befoe you split up.. maybe you could talk to Dumbo on phone, you never know, there may be similarities betwen you. if I remember right, yor wife went back home tochina, didn't she?

Dumbo, what Willy and David says could be true. The lonliness does get to you.

[Martin]

No offence take Rob...but I don't think our circumstances are the same...from what I read.

[Scottish_Robbie]

not knowing your circumstances, I don't remember you posting the reasons for your split up... I can understand what you mean

[kenny]

How does she talk to her family and how often? I have a international phone and my wife calls her family very often. I mean several members of her family and will talk sometimes for 2 or 3 hours at a time. I think it is worth its wait in gold. There are not any other chinese people around here for her to talk to so I think this works wonders for her piece of mind. (and it is fun to watch her talk to them as well )