Chinese Water Torture

[David E]

Sigh........

I have just been completely licked by the dreaded Chinese Water Torture...or as better known..."the slow drip" !!!

As I'm sure you all know, the BBQ is a very sacred Aussie Institution. The BBQ is exclusively the realm of Men, a place free of Women where vast quantities of meat, fish and snaggers are incinerated whilst consuming large quantities of cold Lager, surrounded by fellow men, fart jokes and much general assing about 

At BBQ time, the womenfolk are relegated to salad making, talking about babies, clothes, babies, touchy-feely stuff, babies and such.

No women dare approach to within 5 metres of an operational BBQ.....very likely to lead to unpleasant consequences like divorce.

The rituals surrounding the preparation, ignition, operation and execution of BBQ'd food is strictly Secret Mens business and to allow Women into this sacred society is terminal for any man breaking the code of silence.

In particular, the care and maintenance of the sacred BBQ plate is paramount...it must be lovingly tended over many years, with much application of beer rinses, fat seasoning and can NEVER be cleaned with water, soap, scouring powder, dishwashing liquid or any of those poisonous chemicals women use by the ton in the house.

When, 12 months ago, I introduced Ming to the wonders of incinerated steak, snaggers and prawns, she seemed to be absolutely delighted with the food, but mentioned that the BBQ plate needed a bloody good cleaning. I carefully explained why this is a no-no and continued with life as we know it, secure in the knowlege that the BBQ plate was safe from Chinese obsession with sparkling cleanliness.

Every time we had a BBQ...about once each week, the condition of the BBQ plate got a mention, and every time I headed her off at the pass. She even appeared once with a scraper ( I ask you !!!!) and suggested that I do a clean-up.

Cutting to the chase........

last week, she asked me if it was OK to clean the outside of the BBQ...we have one of those space-age stainless steel BBQ's and it does scrub up pretty nicely, when I can be bothered.

Of course, cleaning the BBQ is a pointless excercise, it only gets dirty again and is ideal mindless work for a Woman...they love that sort of thing !!! But I gave the OK for her to approach and clean the BBQ......

Yep...you guessed it, the outside cleaning expanded into a total Chinese clean...INCLUDING THE PLATE which ended up squeaky clean and shiny...totally useless for cooking...and I was heartbroken and very angry...she obviously had been carefully planning how she could get at the plate "legitimately" for 12 months.

Life will never be the same, this BBQ plate has not had a cleaning since new...12 years...I dont know what to do next...

Divorce papers are being prepared....

[shaun]

David hold the reigns up a minute.  Let me pass this by you.  Now is the time for one of those life lesson for your wife to be learned.  Quickly cook her a meal on the Q.

While doing so either forget to use important ingredients in the methodical seasoning of the sacrificial meat or over season it.  I am saying intentionally prepare the worst tasting BBQ you've ever cooked and have dinner with her.

Then point out to her that IF it hadn't been cleaned so well the food might have tasted a lot better.  There is a chance that she might believe anything you say for now on.  It's worth a try!!! 

[David E]

Shaun...

What a brilliant idea...I could never dream up anything so devious 

...but I agree it is the perfect solution. Tonite we will have the most awful BBQ you could possibly imagine !!!

[Arnold]

mmmh... Am I invited David? Not for the Food of course, just to see Ming's Face when she starts eating your delicious BB..q !

[Vince G]

A couple of months or so ago I had to do the deed of cleaning the BBQ in and out. At 3 years old the heat shields rusted to a point of uselessness. I replaced the parts upon the cleaning, but I grill almost every day, year round, so the grill is now back to giving the tasty steaks again.

So I raise my grill plate above my head to you today Dave in solidarity.   

[Scottish_Robbie]

David

I think this is where I would be introducing handcuffs and rope into your marriage (if not already done so.lol)..

Ye God even an uneducated uncivilized stupid Scotsman like myself knows not to clean a BBQ grill !!

[Willy The Londoner]

David

I think this is where I would be introducing handcuffs and rope into your marriage (if not already done so.lol)..

Ye God even an uneducated uncivilized stupid Scotsman like myself knows not to clean a BBQ grill !!

But when you grill I trip over the bloody thing.

Willy

[David E]

Rob

I will not admit or even acknowlege that I have any knowlege whatsoever of Mink Lined handcuffs or red Silk Ropes.........

On another subject.....

We had our Sunday BBQ as usual.........

one week after the mega- clean, the plate had time to aquire a nice thin patina of rust (this couldn't happen in a well seasoned "dirty" plate)

So....I bought a couple of pieces of Blade Steak...which is NOT recommended for BBQ, and used a little olive oil only to 'lube the plate...normally I would use a high temp oil such as Rice Bran oil...but olive oil oxidises nicely at lower temperatures.

The result was seriously awful..it looked OK but the taste was gruesome.  I set it down in front of her and proceeded to begin to eat mine (it was hard to do but I was determined to keep up the charade)

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ming take a bite and a look of horror came over her...quickly extinguished because I know she INSTANTLY got the message.

Ming said nothing, just looked and she made an excuse about "having no appetite" and proceeded to eat a mountain of salad.

I did not make a big scene, in fact I ate all of my steak...just so I could complain about having stomach ache later .....devious yes ??   

Thanks Shaun..it worked a treat.

[shaun]

You are welcome David but I have to give credit to my father.  He loved to grill out and was a master at it.  He used to tell a story of my mother cleaning out his grill and ruining it.  What I shared with you was what he did to prove his point.

He was so disgusted with what happened that after making the final meal with it he threw the grill away and bought  a new top of the line one for it's day back in the early 60's.

The performances he would give as he grilled was a sight to behold.  If memory serves he was always trying new methods to light the charcoal bricks without any kind of fuel to light them.  He made his own chimney for the bricks and then an electric element in the bottom.

I can remember my mother had a pink portable hair dryer and the plastic hood developed a leak rendering it useless.  My father rigged it to the chimney to assist the bricks in achieving the proper white glow to them.  I teased him unmercifully about the pink hair dryer.

He taught me a lot but he never gave me his home made recipe for his BBQ sauce he put on the meat.  Dang I'm making myself hungry.  I use Bulls Eye because it has  pretty good flavor.  I'm pretty good on the grill too at least that is what my children tell me.

Wednesday I smoked 2 - 17.5 lbs turkeys and 10 chicken thighs.  The wood was mesquite.  I washed the meat down in brine water to clean it then used a rub of olive oil, dehydrated onions, sea salt, lemon peal,sugar, and garlic.  Everyone loved it but it wasn't the best I've ever done.  I haven't figured out what I did wrong yet.

Normally I soak the wood in water for 1 week but this time I did it 1 day.  I don't think that was the issue because the meat tasted smoked and a lot of smoke was produced.

Ah yes,  cooking outdoors is a manly thing to do.

[Arnold]

David , good to see Ming got the message without much talking/trouble. I'm sure she will never go near it now.
I myself love the Smoker better than the BBQ, thats because I'm NOT good at it .

[Scottish_Robbie]

Rob

I will not admit or even acknowledge that I have any knowledge whatsoever of Mink Lined handcuffs or red Silk Ropes.........

Enuff said mate ..... Your secret is safe with me ....

h I'm pleased to hear Shaun's idea worked

[Willy The Londoner]

Hi Shaun,
I have just starting watching a new series of US MasterChef on Hong Kong TV.   You should try out for it.  You even look like you could be a Chef.

Also on UK TV last night I saw a CarBQ.  The front of a car had been removed, lift the hood and there was the grill etc.

BarbQ not so popular in UK.  Set one up in the open and it is guaranteed to rain.

Willy

[Vince G]

Ah Masterchef, is it the one with the blind asian woman? I won't say who won.

[Willy The Londoner]

I think Hong Kong has just started showing series 1!!!!!!!!

Willy

[shaun]

Willy the true mark of a master chef is the ability to make a dish perfectly every time.  On that point I lose.  I'm pretty good at cooking and grilling but sometimes it has to go into the trash.

I still don't know what happened with my turkey's this year.  They tasted good but they were not great.  If I had to live on what smoked last week I think I would go out of business.

I'll check out the series one day but for now I'm trying to understand the new series "Honey Boo Boo."  Just wondering how anything like that can end up on TV.