I need help!!!!

[IrishGuy65]

My two weeks in china is up.  Yesterday Hongping and I went to Hong Kong for the day. We had a great time. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. She wore my ring maybe 4 hours. Then she found out her brother got caught up in the amway scam. His wife says she is going to divorce him. He asked to borrow money. This has happened several times in the past. We had a VERY minor tiff. She wouldn't talk to me on the drive home. When we got home, she took off the ring and put it with my stuff. She said she took it off to take a shower. She didn't pick it back up nor did she ask for it back. She was very upset. I tried to talk to her about things, which, in the past (we've never had an actual fight), has been easy. We always communicate well with each other about things.  So I say goodnight. In the morning she wants to drive me to the airport. There is no talking only crying. She says she loves me but she thinks there will be too many problems. We have discussed this many times. She knew there would be some difficulties, but we always said we would talk to each other about everything. We had already started filling out the I-129 form for Pete's sake and talked to her daughter about coming with us to the USA, which she wanted to do.

Now, during our qq and FaceTime before, she has gotten scared before when something bad happened... Like herbrother had problems, her father got hit by a motorbike, and some other things. We would talk it out and be fine. This time she just dropped me of at the airport. She didnt talk to me, she mostly cried and almost got us killed a half dozen times.  That is it.  I texted her and asked where we stand. She says she loves me but there will be too many problems.

I don't know what to do or not do. And I'm leaving and have no chance to work it out. Tomorrow she goes to work as she has lectures in another province for three days, then she will go visit her parents for a week since her dad recently fell down the stairs and her mom's health is poor. In the past, I could tell she was worried about her family. I think it is different this time.

Any and all advice would be appreciated. I am in love with Lisa and I know she loves me. But this situation feels different than her previous fears. I truly feel I have lost her. I shouldn't feel so shitty after having two of the best weeks of my life with her here in china.

[maxx]

As I see it you have two options.Option one drop her like its hot.The other option.And in your case probably the best option.Is to have Gerry perform a intervention.Or better yet Have Gerry's wife perform a intervention.Have Gerry's wife talk to your girl.Your girl has just got cold feet.Gerry's wife can talk your girl off the cliff.All hope is not lost.

Reality has hit your woman.Like a slap in the face.Before it was all just fun and games.Now that reality has set in.It has become serious.And she is thinking about all that she will have to give up to be with you.

[maxx]

I forgot to ask.What is the amway scam?And her brother wants to borrow money from who?

[Willy The Londoner]

Before any others pile in with various 'advices' this lady is known by at least three members on here personally. 

I would hope that between us we could find some way of resolving any situation that has arisen.

Patrick it is going to be a long lonely journey back home for you and I am sorry to hear that.   I know that those who know Lisa will try our best to help you get this sorted.

I will PM you.

Willy

[fivetrout]

I am aware I'm speaking with very little knowledge in this arena with Chinese women, but I do have vast knowledge of the fantasy that surrounds online dating. There is no reality until much time is spent cultivating relationships one on one. This applies in all relationships. If you are meant to be together you will be. It likely will take a lot of thinking by both of you before this is settled. She will have to asset her time with you and separate the fantasy from the truths. With that said...give her time. her mind and emotions will replay everything between the two of you over and over as you will also do. And if the chemistry is there 100% for both...you will be together, if there is any doubt from either, well...it's back to square one. Remember, you have invested much of yourself here...and so she must do the same or... she's not your one. This is universal.

[IrishGuy65]

Thanks all. I really need to practice the 24 hour rule some more.

Amway is a company that uses a pyramid like infrastructure in order to get salespeople and buyers. People are promised easy money, and,while it is possible, the vast majority fail because it isn't easy money at all, but hard work. To bring people in, they use bullying and gang tactics to force someone to join, usually with large initial investments (which are easily made back in income, people are told). I know of it because a friend, many years ago, got sucked in. I felt like he got brainwashed. When he tried to bring me in, I realized the scam and got away...

Anyway, thanks again for the replies.  I love this woman, and she still says she loves me... So I think we can work it out. I am impatient and that is a big problem. I need to learn the un-American skill of patience.

[Pineau]

Patrick,
I have talked to Lisa only once since you two got serious. I can say that you are exactly right. She DOES love you and she is just worried about all the problems down the road.

Fiona had many of the same fears.  But now that she is here she is so thankful and at ease that she made the right decision.

Fiona and Lisa get along well on the phone. Fiona is standing by. Let us know what we can do for you. 

PM or QQ me.

[David E]

Patric...

A quote that we are all familiar with..."You can take a horse to water...but you cant make it drink" !!!

I lost count of the number of times that Ming (my wife) got the "wobblies" when she contemplated the HUGE changes that would happen if and when she upped sticks and came to Aus.

Maxx and the guys will remember my feeling of being helpless in this scenario. Every time we had an attack of the jitters I would hop on a plane and go and try to sort it out. I got utterly sick of travelling to Chengdu, and even began to hate China because I was always going there in an emergency !!

However, my own feelings for Ming drove me to be more calm and patient with her than I would normally be over anything !...helped a lot by all the guys on our site.

In the end, as she now can verbalise, she knew that if she wanted to be with me badly enough, she was going to have to trust me and trust that I would support her and help her in every possible way to overcome all the nasties of leaving a native Country, family, friends, job...the whole 9 yards.

Ultimately, if your Lady is unable to make this leap of faith, she will back away from the relationship. All you can do is to continue to convince her that you are committed enough and strong enough to get her through the change process and give her a better life.....but sadly, that will be her decision to make, not yours.

I hope for both of you that she can see through the immediate worries and come to understand that her best bet in life is to be with you....good luck

David

[fivetrout]

Note about Amway! there's no money to be made there but for a few. All it does is make you a "captive" consumer.

[IrishGuy65]

I have already gone through this with her many times.  And it will probably be many more.  She and I did joke about it a bit.  I said, "How certain are you that you want to marry me and move to the USA?", She said, "91%!"... the next day, "92%... maybe."

We'll work it out, eventually.  I did tell her I would drop everything and move to china so she can take care of her family, but I can't speak the language and have no way to earn money in China, so she won't let me do that.  I have enough to last 6 months... a couple of years if I sell everything here.   I should be able to speak enough to get by in 6 or 7 months with a good teacher.  That should lead to being able to find work opportunities.  She is definite in saying no to this, however.  My key is going to be patience, patience, patience.

But, how can you be patient when you are home alone every day, after having the woman you love in your arms.  It becomes a need to have her presence with you... it IS a need, and it is very hard for me not to have a plan in place for moving her and Amy here.  Patience... is difficult when you don't want to lose one precious day.  If I could afford it, I'd move there to be with her until she was ready to move here... alas, I'm just a working stiff, and can't pay the bills if I'm not here making money.  If I had any business ingenuity, I would get something going that doesn't need my constant attention and can generate reasonable revenue.... but I'm analytical, not creative.


Ah well... I will become a preacher.  I will preach to myself every day.  My mantra:  Patience, Grasshopper.

[fivetrout]

It's a tough call. In my case, when I go to china in Oct. and marry as the plan stands...and she is not 100% committed then and there, I know enough to move on. A girl not crazy committed to me has one foot out the door already. When we woo these girls we invest everything of ourselves...and if they don't stand toe to toe along with us, then it is time to find someone that will. Sure, we can cite culture and language, and even fear with a new and different life ahead, but that doesn't change the fact she can't pull the trigger.

You do come off a bit needy and desperate...which I understand, but in your shoes I'd play hardball. I'd tell her you need a woman, and if she is only a little girl, you'll keep looking. Give her a few weeks for a final decision. Stick to your plan about your working life in America...DO NOT act as if you'll chase her and give up your life because of an emotional need. These women need a strong confident, reliable man...not a weak emotional one.

Lastly consider, she's just not that into you.

Note! When one door closes...very often new and better ones open!

[shaun]

IG,

I understand your feeling about all of this.  It was the same for me and many others who have made this journey.  I'm sure you can find somewhere on a thread on this site how I felt that I couldn't make it separated without Peggy.  But here I am 3 years later and I am doing fine.  Not great but fine.  It isn't easy but it isn't anything I can't handle. I don't think you are needy like 5trout said (sorry guy) you are very lonely after having one of the best experiences of your life with a woman.

I hope you don't have to wait as long as I am having to.  Some guys breeze right through the immigration process and some, like me, struggle through it.  There isn't any rhyme or reason that I can see except financial.  Through my time I owned a store that went bankrupt.  Now I've started a new on.  It is slowly growing and it appears that it will be successful.  It is 10 months old; still a little early to tell.

Use your time well.  Study Chinese culture.  This will really excite her when you begin to tell her what you have learned.  Study the language as best you can.  Learn to make Chinese food.  Peggy really gets into seeing my creations of awful Chinese food that I make.  She looks at it and says it looks awful.  It tastes pretty good to me most of the time.  Find the Chinese society where you live.  They are a great resource.  Do your best to make Chinese friends in your community.  It isn't easy where I live but I've managed too.  That will come in handy when she comes to America as she will need friends here.

I'm sure others will have good suggestions.

But don't obsess about being separated.  She needs to see strength in you.  It is OK to let her know you miss her and that you are lonely but don't let it become the center of your conversation.

[IrishGuy65]

It's a tough call. In my case, when I go to china in Oct. and marry as the plan stands...and she is not 100% committed then and there, I know enough to move on. A girl not crazy committed to me has one foot out the door already. When we woo these girls we invest everything of ourselves...and if they don't stand toe to toe along with us, then it is time to find someone that will. Sure, we can cite culture and language, and even fear with a new and different life ahead, but that doesn't change the fact she can't pull the trigger.

You do come off a bit needy and desperate...which I understand, but in your shoes I'd play hardball. I'd tell her you need a woman, and if she is only a little girl, you'll keep looking. Give her a few weeks for a final decision. Stick to your plan about your working life in America...DO NOT act as if you'll chase her and give up your life because of an emotional need. These women need a strong confident, reliable man...not a weak emotional one.

Lastly consider, she's just not that into you.

Note! When one door closes...very often new and better ones open!

She loves me and is committed to me.  She is not committed to living in the USA. She is leaving so much for some unknown.  Plus, she feels she is needed in China and is afraid to leave those who need her.  There are so many factors.  When everything is running well, she wants to come here.  As soon as there is a breakdown (her dad falling, her mom's health issues, her brother's propensity to get into bad situations), all that changes because she feels she can't leave them and the societal pressure of family first is too great to overcome.  Then she worries about working here in the USA, which won't be a problem for her, although she only has China to compare to so she doesn't really understand...  Finally, she has lived in the same place a long time, and she is not used to change.  In moving to the USA, there are many, many, many big changes, and it is all very hard for her.   I understand all this, and more... like I said, for me, I just need patience and to show her everything will be OK.  Patience, patience, patience.  The love, respect, and all the other feelings we have for each other make it worth waiting for.  I'm just saying, it's very very hard to wait when, as an American, I want it all right now 

[IrishGuy65]

Patric...

A quote that we are all familiar with..."You can take a horse to water...but you cant make it drink" !!!

I lost count of the number of times that Ming (my wife) got the "wobblies" when she contemplated the HUGE changes that would happen if and when she upped sticks and came to Aus.

Maxx and the guys will remember my feeling of being helpless in this scenario. Every time we had an attack of the jitters I would hop on a plane and go and try to sort it out. I got utterly sick of travelling to Chengdu, and even began to hate China because I was always going there in an emergency !!

However, my own feelings for Ming drove me to be more calm and patient with her than I would normally be over anything !...helped a lot by all the guys on our site.

In the end, as she now can verbalise, she knew that if she wanted to be with me badly enough, she was going to have to trust me and trust that I would support her and help her in every possible way to overcome all the nasties of leaving a native Country, family, friends, job...the whole 9 yards.

Ultimately, if your Lady is unable to make this leap of faith, she will back away from the relationship. All you can do is to continue to convince her that you are committed enough and strong enough to get her through the change process and give her a better life.....but sadly, that will be her decision to make, not yours.

I hope for both of you that she can see through the immediate worries and come to understand that her best bet in life is to be with you....good luck

David

David,

Thanks so much for giving me your story.  It sounds very very similar to mine.  I just wish I could go to China whenever I wanted.  Like you, or Willy who moved to China and lives there now, or Gerry who spent a LOT of time with Fiona in China, I would be there right now if I could be.  I make plenty of money, but I have to be working to make it, so that is the biggest drawback for me.  Your comments are very helpful... thanks!

[IrishGuy65]

IG,

I understand your feeling about all of this.  It was the same for me and many others who have made this journey.  I'm sure you can find somewhere on a thread on this site how I felt that I couldn't make it separated without Peggy.  But here I am 3 years later and I am doing fine.  Not great but fine.  It isn't easy but it isn't anything I can't handle. I don't think you are needy like 5trout said (sorry guy) you are very lonely after having one of the best experiences of your life with a woman.

I hope you don't have to wait as long as I am having to.  Some guys breeze right through the immigration process and some, like me, struggle through it.  There isn't any rhyme or reason that I can see except financial.  Through my time I owned a store that went bankrupt.  Now I've started a new on.  It is slowly growing and it appears that it will be successful.  It is 10 months old; still a little early to tell.

Use your time well.  Study Chinese culture.  This will really excite her when you begin to tell her what you have learned.  Study the language as best you can.  Learn to make Chinese food.  Peggy really gets into seeing my creations of awful Chinese food that I make.  She looks at it and says it looks awful.  It tastes pretty good to me most of the time.  Find the Chinese society where you live.  They are a great resource.  Do your best to make Chinese friends in your community.  It isn't easy where I live but I've managed too.  That will come in handy when she comes to America as she will need friends here.

I'm sure others will have good suggestions.

But don't obsess about being separated.  She needs to see strength in you.  It is OK to let her know you miss her and that you are lonely but don't let it become the center of your conversation.

shaun,

I've been watching your story, and I'm sure things will work out for you.  Thanks for sharing this.

Also, thanks for all your advice here.  It isn't anything I can't handle.  I just don't want to, if you understand my meaning    I especially like your advice not to make it the center of conversation.  I've been trying to do just that.