My story so far...To be continued...

[Paul Todd]

Chin up Rob,

I know it's a bit of a blow to say the least, but get your self to China and win over her family. Remember they have never met you. I'm sure you can make a good enough impression on them, to get them on side. Ke Ren wants this as much as you do so don't give up! Its not your style mate!

Ming Zhi,Paul

[Scottish_Rob]

Outch...

I don't really know what to say about that letter, but... whatever man would be tall/small/fat/slim/blind or not, what can allow some people to say things like that?
It's really difficult to say that Kathy has played with you. But what I don't really understand is that she never told her parents about your height (and maybe other things?)
Well...
:s

Sly, I don't think she played me, she does say that she wanted her family to accept me in their hearts first.

[maxx]

Rob go with what Paul and Shaun are telling you.Let them see that you are a good person.

[Scottish_Rob]

Wow, Rob, I really don't know what to say.

Shaun

Rob,

A couple of thoughts.  She is upset but she did not close the door.  She did not say no to you.  She did not say this is impossible.

She does say that it is something the two of you will have to work through.

Rob, I think your personality just might be able to overcome any issue of height.  Just win them over with your personality just like you have here on this site.  I don't know of anyone here that does not enjoy a discussion with you.

Just pour on the charm.

Shaun

Shaun
No she did not close the door and did not say it was impossible, but if you KNOW Chinese culture FAMILY is way to important -- even for love;-((

Yes we will have to work this out but I will need for her to meet me, if her family is against it, then I have to cross the first hurdle...MEETING her

My personality is something that I do think would win them over...However,once I get there, what if they don't want to see me???  How does my personality get through to them then !!!

Chin up Rob,

I know it's a bit of a blow to say the least, but get your self to China and win over her family. Remember they have never met you. I'm sure you can make a good enough impression on them, to get them on side. Ke Ren wants this as much as you do so don't give up! Its not your style mate!

Ming Zhi,Paul

Paul yes mate a very bitter pill to swallow:huh:

I do think that Ke Ren wants us to be together.  I don't intend giving up without a fight !!!

Tonight I am sending ke Ren a letter, with many thoughts and some ideas of what we can do  (NO not elope).  I WILL NOT TAKE ANYONE WHO WILL NOT RESPECT THEIR FAMILY...

I am still going I am going over this 'SETBACK' will not deter me, because as I said from the start, I will have a back up plan and I always have the teaching...  And telling her I am still coming over is the start.

Yes I have questions I want to ask?  But this will also be for her father, without being disrespectful to him.  (which will be hard)

I don't know about winning the family over mate, once 'the family' mindset is set, it is VERY hard to get them to change their minds, ask Ming  about how I should approach this for me will you please.  

However, I will try...

[Rhonald]

Sorry to hear the news Rob. A problem I guess you have had to deal with for your whole life. It is too bad that some measure a man's height in inches and feet and not the deeds his reputation has made for himself. The problem is their shortsightedness :s I wish you successes in your latest ordeal.

[ron]

It takes a wise man to understand the word respect and its meaning.Respect comes in all forms.Rob you going there to meet her and her family should be respected her father should show you respect and hear you out.Personally I am 6 foot tall whatever that is in cm i dont know.I measure a man by his heart not by his size and to me you have a whole hell of a lot of heart.Just my opinion.Show them what you are made of my friend.
                               Ron

[Scottish_Rob]

Here attached is the letter I sent to Ke Ren a few minutes a go...

Sweet Sweet Ke Ren

Today when I received this last letter from you my heart sank, it sank deeper than I thought it could do...I am so sad to read your words;-((

I can understand how you feel, it is something that I had a feeling about ;-((.  But the question I must ask is WHY did you not say this to me before?  I said at the beginning in our letters, if you thought my height was going to be a problem, you should tell me because I did not want to be hurt, and 'apparently' in your letters to me you said it was fine....

I understand your culture and that family is the MOST IMPORTANT thing honey.  I don't want you to 'lose' your family, because I know how important they are to you.  Does me coming over to China (half way around the world) to meet you not show respect?  I have always placed great faith in respect for the family, out of respect for you will your family meet me so we could talk or for them to get to know me?  

I have sent over 150 letters to you since November of last year 11 months !!!!  And you have sent 130 to me, would your father not take that into consideration???

11 months have been invested in our courtship, there are emotional ties between us, we have both invested a lot of time, effort, emotion and money into my coming there to see you.

I am NOT complaining about this...I AM STILL COMING TO QINGDAO, I would be very pleased if you will at least meet me, and spend some time with me?  

Why should you be worried about my height...will it embarrass you that I am 17 cms shorter than you?  17 cms sweetheart is only the length of someones HEAD.  

Do you think those people that over 172 cms tall get embarrassed because their wifes, girlfriends are SHORTER than them??? Or that the ladies feel embarrassed because their Boyfriends or husbands are TALLER than them???

Height does not come in a relationship, it is what is in the persons HEART....  Maybe your family will see that what is in my heart is pure, and this will take away the look of being smaller than you.

Honey I did not want to tell you this, remember the other day I spoke about birthdays.  Well that day I sent you a card and some presents, there is also a present in this parcel for Peter.  Once you get it, please keep the envelope to show your family that I SENT THEM BEFORE I got this last letter from you.  Please check the dates and you will see that it is NOT because of what was written to me in the last letter.

I understand your reasons for not telling your family about this height difference honey, but you should have been more upfront with them.

This is a problem honey that 'we' can work out.  For example, you know I am going to teach there, would it be better if we had a longer wait to marry, in which time your family could get to know me?

The way people look at me, please don't worry about that.

My sweet baby I know how difficult it must be for you to choose...  I could beg you to choose me, but that is tugging at your heart strings, and I will not do that.

Of course I would be disappointed and hurt, but you must go with what your heart says...

Remember I Love You

Rob
xxxxxxxxxx

[Willy The Londoner]

Nice letter Rob.

Stick to what we discussed on the phone and go over - everything is possible and you have already paid for the flight and hotel.

Willy

[David5o]

Rob,

 Let me tell you something here, contrary to what most here seem to think, Family disapproval is NOT set in stone in China!! In most cases of a Father's initial disapproval will eventually be circumvented. What you have to realise here, is that he knows as well as the rest of the family knows, that she has absolutly no chance of finding a Chinese husband, so it's a foreigner or nothing!! Do you think her father is going to condemn his daughter to a life of loneliness without even meeting you??

All these discussions have been going on without the family knowing much about you, and not even having met you to date. So they clearly don't know your personality, and character as a man, let alone the love that you can show to there daughter, and the happy life you can bring to her life.
 
So don't go steaming in half cocked, just take things in your stride, one step at a time. It's unfortunate to be having yet another obstacle put in your path at this stage of affairs, but i can tell you Rob, it's not the end of the world, or the end of your relationship with Ke ken...

The other thing that also needs to be said, Don't sell your own cultural background short here either, these Chinese ladies have to remember that there perspective husbands have values that are equally valid to there Chinese values.

I'm glad to hear that no-matter what, ...your still going to China. If the worst really comes to the worst, there are ways and means to make your time profitable in terms of love while your out there in person. I think Willy has proved that, in his own quest to find the love of his life in China. But to be honest, i don't think it'll come to that Rob.  I think this is just another hic-up in your journey, Albeit one you could well do without at this stage of your relationship!!

David.....

[Willy The Londoner]

Listen to the words Rob

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-wmAeqDSKw

Willy

[Scottish_Rob]

Brilliant mate.................... absolutely loved it....WILL DO...I got the message

Thank you my friend.:icon_biggrin:


Just finished watching Travelogue on CCTV9, tonight was the turn of the place I am going to Qingdao..............I gotta say guys WOW this place looks amazing...

[David E]

Rob

As always, these "problems" look and feel worse because of the "tyranny of distance".

The issue that has caused the bubble can be managed better on the spot ...face to face.

Yes, certainly be respectful to her Dad...but also be a strong character...You must assume that there is NO problem...I am sure he will respect a strong, competant Man...and you are the BEST choice for his daughter...he knows that.

Stay focussed, stay confident...you can win this ....mate :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

DavidE

[Willy The Londoner]

Just finished watching Travelogue on CCTV9, tonight was the turn of the place I am going to Qingdao..............I gotta say guys WOW this place looks amazing...

One thing for certain - it will look even better when you are there.

Willy

[Paul Todd]

Hi Rob,

I showed the letter that Ke Ren sent to you to Ming Zhi and also your reply. She was very impressed by your letter mate, and said she thinks that you are a very good man.  As for advice these are her words I think they express her meaning quite clearly:

Rob's idea is very correct, let her family know his character slowly, his girlfriend wants to use his thoughts to her family.
Love is two people's hearts, the first one. Family relationships, the second place. The main life is a husband and wife, two people happy. If the family members agree this is the best. Help them see the deep love, that is the key.

I think David5o advice and observations are  spot on. I don't think this is a lost cause but more like just another bump in the road.
If the two of you show a united front to her family and as Ming Zhi suggested show them the deep love between you. Then hearts will soften and you will be excepted into the family. Lots of respect to her family is required  for this to work my friend! :angel:

Ming Zhi,Paul

[Scottish_Rob]

Thanks for the advice from everyone...  Everything that you people said made sense

But I'm afraid there IS no way back, I received this from Ke Ren this morning....

Rob

It has been like the most darkest days in my life, I felt the stress which never been in my life before, I think of your hurt heart, I feel more hurt, It's late to explain everything to you, Rob, my heart is bleeding at this time, do you know ? But I have to make the final decision , everyting you did and said touched my heart, I never lose you, Rob, I didn't tell you your height would be a problem in our relationship because I don't want to lose you for any reason, and I did afraid you will run to another woman if I tell you about that problem, I thought my family could accept that truth when they knows you for some longer time, I kept tell them how nice you are, and how wonderful you are, but everything didn't happend like I expected , I don't want to hurt you, Rob, I never think things would happend like this , I regret not to tell you early, my dad talked a lot to me again, Rob, you know, there is less man has the same height as you in China, my dad and other family relatives care about " face" very much in China, that is the thing make me feel hurt also, I love you, but I can't choose my own love because of this culture in China, I am not a lonely person, so I have to concern about other's feelings, Rob, some words from my families is hard to listen to , and hard to tell you, we have both invested so much, Rob, but when the emotion face to the reality, everything seemed so cruel, Rob, I can't fight against the families, I can't keep this from you anymore , a million sorry will be useless now, I don't know how to express my feelings because I feel what you feel, but we have no way to go, I could not be the daugher don't care about my dad , I could not leave him for my own love, he has raised me hardly and think for me always, I feel sad, sad and sad ...........................

The things which you send to me, I will send back to you, the pounds and the present you send to me and peter this time , Rob, I will never forgot you, you are such a wonderful man. It's my loss for losing you, but I have no way to go, Rob, I don't expect you will forgive me, because I know how hurt you would be, I just hope you will find someone who has no concerns about other things, you are a good man, you deserve to have a good woman , I send all my sincere best wishes to you . Rob, good luck in the future, forget Kathy .

Don't respond, Rob, I have made this decision, and I have to give my family an explain .

Kathy


So will you please change me back to single...

Rob