Falling In Love !!

[David E]

Can I add a bit of “dry” psychology to the ever present question of falling in love….

Psychologically, we Men are Testosterone fuelled “hunters”. However much we try to disguise this fact in the modern quest for equality and the political correctness of being a “Sensitive New Age Guy  - SNAG”, deep down in our “rat brain, the very primitive part of our brain, we are a hunter.

On the other hand, by the same equation, our Womenfolk are the “gatherers and nurturers”, like it or not , we both operate at different ends of the psychological spectrum.

To even out this opposing make up in Men and Women, nature invented Pheromones……..these are the unseen, subtle but very real chemical signals that pass between people continually…their presence and importance has been clearly and scientifically established.

Pheromone exchange between Men is highly specific…that is why the average guy does not feel physically attracted to all the other guys he meets during the course of a day. This exchange is about the ability to like or not like another Man (not sexaully I mean). I am sure you know that some blokes you meet seem Ok, some not. On average, pheromone exchange compatibility for both Men and Women is fairly neutral…would be a weird world if we either loved or hated each person we met, with nothing in between these states of mind !!

Same goes for Women who meet other women under normal circumstances.

The pheromone exchange between Men and Women, however is totally different…it is all about Partner selection and the ability to be a good gene match for the future of the species.

The better the pheromone match, the stronger the feelings….period.

In fact, a VERY strong pheromone match leads to the consequence of “love at first sight”….bet you thought it was a fairy tale …yes ?

To get to the crunch here…….Men can have good feelings about a letter, a word, a photo, and that is good. But the ultimate pheromone match and the result being falling in love can ONLY be achieved by an exchange of pheromones that can only be achieved by a face to face meeting.

So…if you think you are in love after letters and photos…think again…chemically you cant be.

You may dispute what I write here, but it is factual science…worth a read ??

[Danny]

David, in my humble opinion, you might know a lot about the chemical composition of pheromones, but establishing the way that they interact with one's conscious mind, emotions and wishes is another thing entirely. For the sake of argument, I allow that they have some (weak) influence, but you seem to suggest that they have a strong influence. If that's your contention then I would suggest that what you are claiming is implausible, to say the least. Humans in society are not simply agents of chemicals, nor of their genes or anything else that relies on a simple, mechanical model of causation. People act on the basis of a incredibly large number of influences, only one of which is pheremones. These influences all interact with each other in an impossibly complex fashion. One cannot choose any one of these influences and say it was certainly this one that caused this particular behaviour.

[shaun]

David, Danny, I for one do believe that there has to be a physical connection, a bonding, touch, look at each other face to face, what ever you want to call it, in know for certain that you are in love with a woman.  With the woman I have been talking with since April, the only communication we've had is by EMT and pictures.  Now I think she is the one but until I see her, feel her, (now watch it, don't think what you are thinking, remember I am a preacher) touch her, see how we interact together, and see how our Chemistry together is, I will not know it we are truly in love with each other.

Danny with every natural law you can and will find an exception to it but it does not change the natural law.  Man is a visual animal and it can only be a reality for him once he has seen and touched it.  This why chnlove spends so much time taking incredible pictures of women to post on their site.  They know we are visual oriented and the agency used their agents to attract us or to lure us in and then once we are caught they turn over the writing to the woman we re talking to.

This is a unique hunting game we play in that we actually get to know the lady before we go in for the kill so to speak.  If we were approaching women in our own country, in the city where we live the hunt would be quite different.  The hunt I am doing right now is much more intriguing, not because she is beautiful, not because she is mysterious, not because she is Chinese, nor because she is more feminine but because I am getting to know her before the physical side kicks in.  The beauty, mystery, Chinese, and feminine are real important and for me necessary but the hunt is different because I am getting to know her mind.  That is incredible.  I think I am in love but will not know until we touch.

[David5o]

Shaun,

I agree with you, nothing is for certain till you have met, and even then things can go pear shaped.

General....

I have consistently tried to bring this point home to some of the guy's here, that think, after a couple of months or more of writing EMF's, pictures, and a bit of web-caming they are ''In Love''. ....There then flying off to get married.

I know we all need to take a leap of faith, here and there in our lives, but as far as i'm concerned that would be one hell of a foolish leap too many.
As the end game is all about finding your last love in this life, wouldn't it be be worth putting in a little extra time,  getting to know our lady first?? All marriages, need a solid foundation on which that marriage can flourish and grow....
It has to be so much better all round to go visit her, on your first trip to China, to see if all those chemical things are intact, if the passion is there, and that physical connection (i'm not just talking sex here) which is so, so important to any long lasting relationship.

It really needs some of the married guys here, to talk about life with there new Chinese wife after they have them home in their own countries. I think you'll find it's not quite the same, as some will imagine.
You will hear that there are still things that are being learnt by both parties, and confusion will reign for sometime. Don't get me wrong, most of it will give amusement. The point i'm trying to make is that you will still be learning about each other long after you have them home, it doesn't stop when you tie the knot so to speak. The romantics among you, will have the a more difficult time of it. Why?? because the Chinese lady will be far more down to earth being a new wife, sure the romance will still be there, but it won't be, in her mind anywhere near as important as some of you will still want it to be.  ...So let's hear from these married guys here, let them tell you what they have noticed since being in a family situation!!!

Don't Rush into anything you don't fully understand, especially when your dealing with a completely different culture to your own.... God forbid!!, ...you may just get your fingers burned!!

David.....

[David E]

Danny

Sorry mate...it all starts with chemistry...like it or not, even the brain is a huge and complex chemical processing factory. Every thought, wish, emotion and experience is based on micro chemical activity in the brain.
These are chemically driven, after which, history, social conditioning, personal experience and many other behavioural elements take their part.  Even a single thought is a chemical process..dopamine and serotonin acting on individual Neurones !!

[maxx]

I'm a firm beleaver in Making at least one trip.Before you and the lady decide to get married.Because the physical attraction part must be there.The compatability,the touch.Like David E and David 50 said it all must be there.And yes it is a chemical reaction in the brain.


The first trip to China me and my wife wrote letters for 2 months no webcam.I fly to China spend ten days with her in China.We get engaged all this happens in the first part of May.As soon as I return to the states I start on the visa aplication.We set up private emails .Emails once a day web cam 2 times a day.

August I return to China we have a party we are married in her family mind.Return to the states same email web cam scedule as before.I go to China a couple of more times.

March she recieves her visa comes to the states.The real fun starts here.I now have a Chinese women that lives in my home.She's tired hungry the smell from my food makes her sick.She understands very little of my customs and my culture.She is real homesick after 2 months.This is not a pretty piucture.She is always a step out of the norm.SHe always wants me to explain whats going on  the tv.She can't get used to the lack of people.

Time marches on the food is ok.She has decided that she likes it with very few people.SHe has adjusted to the alttitude.We have a son.In public we are just like any other married couple in private we are just like any other married couple.SHe is watching cartoons with the boy while they eat.I'm writing this while watching the time on the computer so I'm not late to work.

There is no goldon light that comes down from the sky and says hey you made this.There is no bags of gold thrown at my feet.There is no corney theme song playing in the background. Its Just everyday life.You wake up go to work.Come home talk to the wife play with the boy.Watch the tv  eat.Go to bed and do it all over again the next day.

The good times are in between all the life stuff.The joy of seing your son born.Eating noodels at a restraunt in China.Being able to understand what your wife is saying to her mother.Knowing that you have seen more things and done more things then the average person will ever do.The pure joy of watching tv while your wife sets on your legs and is whispering Chinese in your ear.

Thats what it's all about the moments in between all the life stuff.Would I do it all again spend all that money make all those long flights to China.Yes sign me up I want to be the first one in line.

Good luck guys.Just remember the 2 most important rules #1 different country different customs.24 hour rule Learn it love it live it

[Buzz]

In reply to Maxx;  I agree with the theme of your note.  I see that the main focus in on getting to know he lady, getting to china, getting engaged, getting married, getting the visa, getting her here, and then .....   I believe that those who live in major cities are at an advantage with this issue.  I have done some checking and here in Greensboro North Carolina I have found that there is a local chinese community.  There are over 300 members that are from China.  There is a local Asian food store that has many of the food items found in a local store in China.  It is not enough to find, communicate, and marry a lady; attention has to be focused on what happens after the wedding like Maxx pointed out.  I think that this is an area that needs more discussion and thought.

[Rhonald]

David I agree to some extent - I believe the chemical analogy is not love at first site but lust at first site. This strong attraction is what sets the stage for the possibility for a relationship to develope. And the following relationship is what generates the emotion we call Love.

Many arranged marriages by pass the chemical processes of first physical attraction and generates deep love by the sharring of raising a family.

As David5o has stated - I also wonder how my wife and I will feel about each other once being with each other under the same roof. Right now with our brief visits the physical part of our relationship is dominate. But in time this boiling pot will probably simmer. I am wiser because of the leasons learnt from my first marriage and I believe that "True Love" is not found but instead, "True Love" is created. That means keeping our marriage sound is proactive challenge not a reactive challenge. Love is an investment - not a winfall.
Lust can come from 1 beer to many so I guess Mixology is also a chemical action. But Love is not chemical but is Energy. E= MC2

Energy = Married Chinese raises my power by two

Great post Maxx - yes its the daily grind that makes or breaks a relationship. Sorry I stole this next line from a comercial - " The flip side of a Rut is a Groove"

[David5o]

Rhonald,

I beg to differ on the arranged marriage side of things. I have personally known far to many of these arranged marriages that don't work at all, they are still together only because of local / religious laws and customs. Far too many Westerners point to the arranged marriage system as one that works for the majority, ....I know that it doesn't, it works for the few, or the minority.
I've witnessed this from India to Indonesia, it's a total myth that's been put about mainly by the Asians living in our native countries.....

David.....

[Scottish_Rob]

VERY possibly Mike...lol

Lust at first sight is what attracts one person to the other, Love as Rhonald says is CREATED...

[feisnik]

I agree with Maxx completely. My wife and I did the same thing, wrote for a few months, met in person for 10 days, get engaged, continue to call and write, go back, get married, talk even more often, return to visit her and her family, talk even more before the visa is issued, then she comes her on 23 August. Guys, Maxx is one of the guys who knows this whole process, you can take what he says to heart. He knows his stuff.

[Rhonald]

Yes I agree Feisnik - Maxx has the most experience for us to learn from, especially because of his two golden rules - Maxx Rules.

[David5o]

Max,

I have read your post here, and can agree with the points you made, especially it being a normal day to day life, and the bit's in-between the normal stuff, are what makes it all special.

Those initial days when she first arrived in her new home, there i think you glossed over that period a little too easily..haha!! You didn't mention for argument's sake, the Chinese new wife syndrome (for want of a better description) Where there mindset changes from being a girlfriend/ fiance to becoming a live-in wife. When there mindset changes, ... to become overall concerned for the health of the family and it's well being. That's when the culture thing kicks in, where they assume almost everything concerning the family, rarely if ever asking, as they assume you already know this and that ,and why she is doing what she's doing. The truth is ...You don't!! ....It took me weeks, to get her to ask or tell me about things, and generally discuss things like food, housekeeping, cleaning, clothes washing, just general stuff like that. The times they take things the wrong way, when you try and help with cleaning the house, or put some washing on, in the machine. In fact, anything to do with the home. They consider that, is there domain and business, and not yours to interfere with....

It's as if they take on this different personality, when it comes to looking after her family, but come evening time, when the the days work and the chores are all done. They then can revert back to that loving sensuous woman that you fell in love with.

I've now been living with Lucy 3 years now, 2 here in Cyprus and a year in China. Most of the things we found strange in each other and in our ways, are now past, but still every now and again something will pop-up that will confound us..... lol!!
There's heaps more to be told, but i want other married guy's here to give there experiences of that newly married life..... because it sure is different to anything they will experience on there short trips to China. ....before and after being married!!

David.....

[Willy The Londoner]

I am with Shaun on this one.

Most of you know my story.  Was in contact with a lady, spoke to her on telephone  for at least an hour every day for months.  Emfs, emails etc.  We knew just about everything about each other.  We planned our lives for the next ten years and more.  We meet and within less than two weeks we realised that we were missing that chemistry, whatever it was, we was missing it.  

I say wait until you meet because before you are face to face you cannot say you are in love.  You may be in love with an image or a voice but you cannot be in love with the person without that personal contact.

And David - I understand what you say about trying to helpthem - they just want to do what they think is there tasks without interference and they expect the man to take control of the important things.  I once suggested to my girl that we would be on equal basis when making decisions - she did not like this at all - decisions were to be my domain.


Willy

[David5o]

Willy,

If only it were that simple, Believe me it will drive you MAD not knowing what' is going on. eventually you just have to ask!!  haha!!  They tend not to tell you anything that's going on, from making arrangements to go to a friends BBQ, to friends comming round to us. They tend to wait until it's too late to do anything about it ..... just you wait and see for yourself later on!!....hahaha!!

David....