A Southerners continuing journey in China

[Arnold]

yeah ...you throw in some of mine German-English with some Yoddle'in und some umbah umbah music , she'll be asking for Bratwurst and Sauerkraut real fast . Hahahaha

[JimB]

Sometimes now i will throw in a Ya'll, just to get her going.  Now think of this.  All our women meet, and cannot understand each other because of what we have taught them.  German, Scottish, redneck throw in some Swedish and French, hell it is lucky that we understand each other.
In the Lufthansa mall here in Beijing they have a German restaurant.  I could not even make out what the menu was and it was supposedly written in English.  The only words I could make out were sauerkraut and sauerbrauten (sp)Ok, now I need input.

I just found out, that My stepdaughter is going to Wuhan despite what her mother and I have said.  She was told no.  She called her mother and told her she was going anyway as she is an adult.  So today she is getting on a bus and going.  I started to get really upset but held my cool.  I asked my wife if she is going to do anything, she said what can I do?  She called her mother and at least Qingqing was staying with her.  I just left the table.  
If it was my call.  If she thinks she is an adult she needs to pay her own way back and her own tuition for school.  And her own cell phone. That would get her attention. But just a week into this marriage I do not want to blow everything up.   What would ya'll do?

[Vince G]

Best thing to do is let the mother handle it. Stay out of it. The girls rebelling for some reason? Most likely for the moms attention. Cutting her off will cause more problems in the family. Mom might even send money without your knowledge, then what? Suggest things to help don't tell her to.

[Arnold]

Vince is very right on this Jim .
The Mom must put her foot down and you must keep your Wallet closed . The problem with these Children is , they only think about themselves at this moment and MOM ... yes MOM must tell her ( beat it into her.. not hitting her of course ) it's for HER happiness and untill she stops acting that way , there will be happiness for Nobody . If she want's Mom to respect HER life , then she must do the same for her Mom and you Jim .

[JimB]

i understand.  But if there are no consequences at all for her actions it will just get worse.  I think that has been the problem.  She lets this kid get away with everything with no discipline at all.  That even leads to the kid giving me something in my drink to make me sick.  She thinks she can do anything she wants and in fact she can.  I think the 24 hour rule applies here also.  Thanks for the input guys, I understand what you are saying.

[DougK]

Hi Jim,

One thing you have to keep remembering is as you said...you have been in this marriage one week. They have a whole lifetime together. Change will come slowly and gradually. If you go for a seismic shift, there will be issues from mother and daughter, and you will not end up on the good side of the chasm.

So move slowly, give advice when asked, and bite your tongue as necessary. Give your opinion when time and calm allow.

Doug

[David E]

Jim
I have reared 2 teenage daughters and so I may be qualified to advise

DONT let it become an "explosion", Keep your wallet firmly shut and let the whole scene play out between her and Mom. As time goes on, you become more and more the head of the family and can then begin to influence events. Right now, for daughter, you are ALL threat !! You are taking away her priority of attention with her Mom...she wants to have a showdown because in her naive way, she thinks she can win.
Dont play the game....keep cool, support your lovely wife...BUT DONT PAY !!!
DavidE

[shaun]

Excellent advice David!!

Jim I have 2 daughters and a son.  During the split up of my marriage there was a lot of competition for attention.  Some good and some bad.   I told the children I was talking with a woman on the internet and all hell broke loose.  I tried the withholding idea and it was a disaster.  (Must be a Georgia thing?)

Jim this is tough on your wifes children because they see all of the attention their mother go from them to you and being as young as they are they do not understand.  So, yes there is a whole lot of rebellion going on.  The most difficult child to gain respect from is a teenager because they are already getting those adult feelings.  Something like this in America is the #1 cause of splitting up a second marriage.

I agree with David E and would add to it this.  Your only influence right now is your wife.  You should have a long talk with her and use a translator just to make sure both of you completely understand each other.  When you begin talking with her remember simpathize first, "I understand how your feel..."  Assure her of your undying love for her, let her know that culturally you do not understand and that you are willing to learn. Tell her what you think the problem is, what is the most reasonable course of action. (remember all of this should be done in soft reasonable tones.)  Then ask her what she thinks.

On this you will let her deal with it her way but you want to suggest another way to handle the situation.  She might blend the ideas.

All of this is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Good luck friend.  I'll pray for you and your family.

Shaun

[Scottish_Rob]

I agree with the guy's mate..another way to think about it, if you had been in the same situation as the daughter, you would probably see that MOMS attention is drifting away from her to you as the new husband, remember they (as has been said) have had a lifetime together...


arnold is Saurkraut a German person in a bad mood?.....LOL

[MLM]

Jim, as you know I have a Chinese step daughter and she is 12 years old and when Zhou and I met Lili ( my new Daughter ) had an Emperess complex, ay first I let her Mom take care of disipline and  there were a lot of times my tounge hurt from bitting it, then one day Lili had so much told me to stay out of her buisness and why am I here, I looked at her Mom and that was the day that Zhou told me infront of Lili that I was her father, and I should punish her, I used the 24 hour rule and told Lili I would talk with her the next day, that night my wife and I talk it over and then the next morning I told Lili she was not allowed to go to the mall for a week and Zhou backed me up, yesterday Lili was talking on the phone with her friends from school and I heard two words that have a lot of wieght for me, she said " my dad " in the cinversation, not step dad but Dad, Jim, take your time, get a lot of bandaids for your tounge and wait for your time, it will come and as a few other brothers here have said, keep your wallet closed and try to suggest to your wife that she should not pay also, sooner or later she will come around.
Good luck Jim, you're going to need it and the nerve of a saint.

[David5o]

MM.

Handled like a true professional, or to be more precise, .....''Like A Real Dad!!''

David...

[Arnold]

arnold is Saurkraut a German person in a bad mood?.....LOL[/quote]

No Rob , I have three step-daughter's ( from the teens on ,three Step-Son's likewise , nineteen grandchildren and five great grandchildren . I been through it . I am not in a Bad Mood . I do know how to handle a Teen .

[zook144]

Well, my image of Chinese children and especially teens just got shattered! I was talking with my lady's daughter the other day on QQ webcam. She just turned 16 this month. I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she told me "no, I am a student. i do not have time for boyfriends. I have to study". So, I'm thinking...boy these kids are raised with discipline and are really focused on learning. But, after reading Jim's post here,  I guess they are like teens everywhere.
Anyway, good luck, Jim! I am not qualified to give advice, as I have no children. But  I am sure I would need lots of those bandaids MM was talking about.
Don

[JimB]

As much as I hate to not get involved, I am going to take the advise of my brothers.  I will keep my mouth and my wallet shut. Thank you guys for your input.  I knew i could count on ya'll for good advise.
Tomorrow we are going to the ocean for a couple of days. We will probably not have internet if what I am told is true. So, so far I have travelled by Air, by Rail now by bus then Ox Cart.  (So i am told) this should be really interesting.  Very private beach. Just her and a couple of friends from the hospital and myself.  
If i were younger and kinkier I would be shouting, "three very pretty women and me alone on a private beach!!"  But, alas i am old and calm.  (i still have my imagination.  lol.)I have asked all age groups here and no one knows who Elvis Presley is.  I cannot believe it.  Does anyone know if he had a Chinese name?  They know who Michael Jackson was and all of the new singers but not him.

[Arnold]

Sorry JIm , but I lost that ( the imagination ) when I got married . It's all real !!!