A Southerners continuing journey in China

[brett]

Nanu Nanu!

I got homesick when I went to Hong Kong. But the second time I went to Japan I felt as if I belonged there and not knowing the language didn't bother me that much.

I'm not sure how I'll feel about China. My lady lives in the middle, and I think I would miss the sea.

[JimB]

General Ramblings.

Before when I was gone I was in the military or working so it didnt bother me. When she is home it is a different story.  

By the way, i found this web site.  http://www.expatsinchina.com/  looks pretty interesting and has employment opportunities, etc.  If I were going to stay here I would definitely join.  Gujys coming here should take a look.  Not just for Beijing either.

She told me today at lunch she does not want to keep the apartment after I leave.  She has been saying all along that she wanted to keep it.  So when I asked her to really tell me why, she said she didnt want to put any pressure on me to have to support 3 households and have to go to work to do it.  Plus she said the other night when I didnt sleep with her (I was up for the game) she was so lonely and cold she didnt want to keep it without me being here as it would only remind her how much she misses me.  She can handle it better back in the dorm.  We have it paid up until the middle of November so we decided to wait until then.  Give her some time after I am gone to see how she handles it.  I think the baby thing may be about that too.  I actually have talked her into waiting on the baby thing for a while  after we get her to the states.
The city is really getting all dolled up for National Day.  Every major street has flags, etc.  Adding a little bit of feeling of not really belonging. Everyone makes me feel welcome and comfortable. It is just that I do not get excited about this if you know what I mean.

I did get an e mail from work, they are having a full blown crises and I am the only one that can fix it.  I e mailed them step by step on how to get it temporarily done and would fix it once I got back.  Actually good to know I am still needed somewhere.  Only now as a consultant not an employee.  Really gonna cost them. lol.

[JimB]

We went to the Old Summer Palace Gardens today.  Just a bunch of falling down stones if you ask me.  A reminder of times gone by.  Most of it was destroyed about 1860 by the Anglo French alliance.  then went to the Summer Palace.  This was done up nice except the smog was thick again today and hard to see any distance. (I put pics here http://s745.photobucket.com/albums/xx95/Jimburk/)  Neither place got me excited.  Maybe I have seen enough of the "Old China".  They have a great history.  but that is what it is, History.  

Qingqing came home tonight from schoold with "great" news.  She asked for and received time off from school because her new "Step Father" was leaving in 12 days and she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could.  First of all she did not even aske her mother about this, secondly the first thing she asked to do was spend the next 2 weeks in Wuhan, where her boyfriend is. This is the first time Mama hit the roof.  She said absolutely not, said she would not give her one rmb to go and she would not have any place to stay because she would call grandma and all the family to not let her stay there.  Great, now I have a pissed off 16 year old stuck with me at home until I leave.  I told Mama that I would pay for a plane ticket for her to go.  She of course said no, that in 5 days she had taken off until I leave.  so it is only 5 days alone with her.  I really tried tonight to be a good guy with her.  I talked to her about driving lessons when she got to the states.  Then she started in on how I was going to by her a new Mini Cooper when she got her license.  I did not come out and say no, but I said we will have to see how everything goes.  Of course she got the gist and was even more pissed.  So she pouted.  Which is fine, because when she does that, she doesnt talk.    Things are going to change drastically when this kid gets to the states. She will probably hate me.  
Update:
Tonight I was even kidding with her and Mama about Mama being pregnant.  She turned around and said she would kill the fetus.  Now the hair on the back of my neck stood up when she said that.  She may have not been serious but even saying that is enough.  This kid needs serious help.  I am going to talk to Mama tomorrow(After waiting 24 hours)  about sending her to a psychiatrist.  This is not going on any longer.  If Mama does not agree, I am not coming back to Beijing until the kid is on her own.  At the time Mama said she was only mad at me and her.  I said I do not care how mad she was.  Saying it was enough for me.  
With the kid not in the picture she is the perfect wife for me we have the greatest time.  I love her madly.  I know she loves me too.  we could have a great life together, but, I cannot put up with this kid.  I couldnt trust her around any members of my family.  She may try something just to get back at me.  
Guys tell me, am i over reacting on this?  Am I taking the word of a spoiled 16 year old too seriously?  Maybe i am too close to this situation.  Because I am getting ready to throw out what could be the best thing that has ever happened to me because of this kid.  we have been married for only 5 weeks and i am pulling my hair out over this kid.  I need some objective advice. Dinger, Chong, David, Shaun, Mike, Maxx, Arnold, Ed, Rob, Vince, et al.  What the hell do you all think about this?

[Irishman]

She sounds like a right spoiled brat but I half wonder if cabin fever is setting in slightly Jim.
People say they will "kill" all the time without meaning it . Like I'll kill you if you say that , my friend would kill me if he heard me tell you this etc etc. Shes just a spoiled teen, as you say when she gets back to the states shes going to realise shes nothing special and is going to have to do a helluva lot of growing up and fast. 16 years old is probably the most hormonal a teenager gets, in two years she'll be a completely different person even if she doesn't realise it is my guess.
A pain in the ass to live with but I'd be really careful about suggesting to her mother that she needs to see a shrink, I think you risk taking face really badly there.

[MLM]

JimB,
I don't know what to say but what I would do, and as my wife is pregnant I would have took Qingqing over my knee, when it comes to this baby I don't even joke, fortunetly, my other kids love the idea.
I would have to have a very serious talk with my wife and let her know how you feel and what you think should be done, ask her for her thoughts on the matter and try to come to a compromise, if the two of you can't then let her know how you truely feel about the whole situation, and then you will know where you stand and what Mama will let you do or not do to punish your step daughter, just make sure you and Mama are on the same page, its safer that way.
Good luck Jim.

[Vince G]

It's hard for me to observe her not seeing how she reacts to things. So I can't say what to do based on what I don't see. ?? understand? Body language  tells me allot. By her saying she would kill the fetus? Tells me she thought of and came up with an answer to the mom could have another child.

I know I would have exploded right there and then. I would have included - if you come to the states with this attitude you'll have you face smashed in everyday. And talk like that will put her in JAIL. Man, I would have thrown everything I had at her along with the kitchen sink.

I went through a real rough patch with my oldest. Grant it she had brain problem that caused the nastiness. I was told I abandoned them? Even though during and after the divorce I saw them every morning and took them to school, etc. She was pissed that I didn't fly to NY EVERY weekend to see her? when I moved down here. There was a time I didn't talk to her for over a year. But that's me, my kindness only goes so far and then ...

You'll have to judge the situation yourself, but she's either trying to get a rise out of you or waiting to see some strength? Momma might be making excuses for the daughter? which isn't going to help.

[shaun]

Jim,

I feel your pain but maybe it is time for a different approach.  I think what is happening here is a war that neither one of you want to lose.  For 16 years  she has had her way.  To her, you are a short timer.  The only problem is, her mother is seeing the light and realizing that Qingqing really has issues.  Not real major ones just spoiled child kind.

I think the reason Qingqing reacted with this response is because  you upped the scales on her. Remember she has no intention at this point in losing the war.  I don't think that means killing a baby, I think she said it to win and scare you.  Now add to all of this, Momma is standing up to her. Jim add to that how much her culture is changing.  It is hard to keep up with it.  I am assuming she is in a boarding school.  What are the other students saying to her?  Are they saying mom and step-dad are wrong?  I imagine they are.  Think back when you were in high school.  How much do you tell the boys you were getting?  How much did you actually get?  Same type issue.  When my daughters went off to college in Millegeville, they changed.  They told me that I was too hard and that other parents were not as strict as I am.  My response?  Then let their parents pay your school bill.

My youngest is somewhat like Qingqing.  He is 19, two older sisters who are going to school but living on their own and his momma has let him have his way but with me the buck stops here.  So he does something, I get mad and impose a penalty.  He doesn't like it so he ups the scale, then so do I and it gets to the point that my responses become ridiculous.

Jim, I was spoiled by two wonderful daughters.  They didn't fight me too much but they would do the right thing and not question my authority, most of the time.  It didn't take much to bring it to an end.  Then hell on wheels came into this world, my son.  He is a good kid but man is he difficult and now that he is 19 and still at home only by the grace of God, everything has changed.  You suffer from having good children too.  You are not prepared to deal with this.  You haven't built a relationship by changing diapers, kissing skinned knees, teaching her to ride a bike, or any of those wonderful thing you did with your natural children.  So, Qingqing has not had 16 years of your influence to get used to.  This is hard on her too.

I think it is time to change tactics much like I have done with my son.  Set parameters and consequences with and through your wife.  Then tell Qingqing, here are the parameters and here are the consequences of stepping beyond the parameters.  If she knows what the parameters and consequences are and she steps over the boundary who does she have to blame?  Herself.  Now let me tell you at first she won't see it that way.  She will blame you for a while.  Then she will adjust.  Key issue is that once you go back to the US your wife will need to keep up the parameters and consequences or it will not work.

Last thing,  when Mrs. Burk let Qingqing have it with the punishment you should have completely backed her up.  If I was in your situation I would go back and apologize and say, "Honey, I'm sorry I should not have questioned you or offered to pay for her flight because you were doing the right thing."  Now, Mrs. Burk is getting mixed messages from you.  Stand behind her and when you come back you will have a better chance of Qingqing getting it together before your next visit.  Man, Mrs. Burk really loves you.  She is willing to do what is right with her daughter just to keep you around.

Take a quick look, I think your toes are still there.  Hope I didn't step too hard.  Just keep in mind this will all work out it just will take patience and time.

Shaun

[brett]

I don't have kids of my own, but I know that they can be the most ghastly things on the planet. Like we took my 8 year old niece to the library the other day. She had a horrible tantrum about getting some sticker. Wtf? I mean she has $10,000 worth of toys in her room and all she wants is some bloody sticker :huh:.

In my day she would have had a good spanking from her mother, but that doesn't seem to be the way kids are brought up anymore.

Good luck anyway, this is a great story and I love reading of your latest adventures!

[maxx]

Jim the girl is spoiled she was just looking to get a rise out of you..She is stressed out about the boyfriend the new father.The school thing.And she is feeling threatend.She is used to being number one.And she not anymore.It is a huge adjustment.

Shaun has got it right about backing your wife's play.United front always in front of the girl.If you have issues with what her mother decides you need to talk to your wife latter.When the kid isn't around.

Don't let her see you get angry when she is acting like that.That is what the kid is looking for.I don't think the girl needs a shrink.You do need to let the girl know that there will be consequinces.When she starts spouting this kind of crap.

[JimB]

Thanks guys, keep it coming.  I need all the info I can get about this.

[David5o]

JimB,

First of all, don't try and compare your daughter with Qingqing, that's not being fair on her, or yourself. They were brought up under different times, different culture, and different circumstances...

I'll say to you, that both you and your wife have to sit down and seriously discuss rules for Qingqing, rules that you can both agree on and can stick too. Rules that will stay in place after you return to the States.  
When rules are broken, then there are consequences, which again, you both have to decide what consequences will apply. Having said that, when she does good, then she should be rewarded in some way too. It's the stick and the carrot thing, been about for years, ...cause it works!!

On that note, ...what you did to your wife by offering to pay her airfare to Wuhan, after your wife had told her absolutly and categorically NO, totally undermined her authority. I hope that Qingqing wasn't around to hear you say that to her mother?? Your not doing Qingqing or yourself any favours for the future.  

The Last thing Qingqing needs is a psychiatrist Jim, your dealing with a spoilt teenager whose nose has been put out of joint, by not being 1st,2nd,3rd in mum's world anymore...

I have a pretty good idea that it can't be easy for you especially. ...After all, your from a military background where your used to teenagers jumping when you tell/order them to do something. Well it just ain't like that in the real world/civvy street, instead you just have to bite your tongue and use your smarts on them.

Now, as to your last two statements, Yes you are over reacting to Qingqings words. That's ALL they were, ...just words that sprang to mind and got blurted out. She's sixteen Jim, a naive and a spoiled sixteen at that. Nothing at all was meant by it, in the way that you took it.
Which is another thing that springs to mind, ....don't tease her about the things that you know worry her, or are playing on her mind. That won't help you one jot, in getting things sorted out between you all.

The last statement about you throwing in the towel, ...now come on Jim get real here, don't come out with this crap unless you mean it!! I'm really hoping you haven't been saying things like that to your new wife, because her trust in you as a man will just evaporate.
And whatever you do, NEVER make your wife choose between you and Qinqing, ....you WILL lose!! Not because she doesn't love you enough, but because Qingqing is her flesh and blood, her family, her daughter....

I started replying to your post, before anyone had posted anything, so i'm curious as to what the others you asked have said. I'm hoping pretty much what my thoughts are on your post. Whatever they have to say, think about all of them, i'm pretty sure that between you and your new wife, you'll get past this rocky patch with Qingqing ...There's every chance if you handle her wisely there no reason that later on, you and your wife can be as proud of Qingqing, as you are of your daughter back in the States....

So stay calm Jim, ... For your sake, your wife's sake and for Qingqing.

David....

[Vince G]

This subject has brought in some old memories.

In my day she would have had a good spanking from her mother, but that doesn't seem to be the way kids are brought up anymore.

Brett, not in my world. Three strikes and your out. Both my daughters got smacked on the behind just once. One for thinking she didn't have to listen.  The other for misbehaving. When I go to a restaurant I don't like loud, noisy kids running around. So as we were (my buddy with his kid) leaving both our kids started up. Running around the place. Third warning was given. On the forth pass I grabber her and she got her smack. Most of the other parents looked like they were going to cheer? Any wanted to say something I'll smack them too. :icon_biggrin: Oh and my buddies kid that didn't even get yelled at? The kid respects me till today. Not so much for his father.

I never had a problem with my niece, but my nephew? Swung on me one time. I put him to the ground and put my fist to his face (which covered from his eye brow to his chin) and made sure he knew there won't be a next time. He ran inside to tell his mother... she said "good"  He's in his thirties now and still won't even raise his voice to me.

[David E]

Jim

I got through with 2 daughters somehow....often thought I would go crazy !!
My Dear departed Dad once said to me...(he was military !!)

"They (referering to the kids) have got to learn the consequences of their actions and words. It is your duty as a parent to set and enforce boundaries, both in behaviour and morals and ethics. When you need to discipline them, make sure it is SHARP,  SHORT...and forgotten...dont hold grudges)

Ref. your "step daughters" comment about her possible future step sister.......whether or not said in jest, confusion or malice......is way outside any reasonable boundaries.

I would have "barked" very hard and loud at this comment with genuine evil in my voice to let the little b***ch know that she just went way beyong my tolerance.........then get calmly along with the conversation with the "adults" in the room.

However tolerant we all like to be...there HAS to be some limits, there HAS to be some "pecking order"  (with you at the top !!!)

DavidE

[Chong]

Dad,

I don't have any kids but I went through two nephews growing up. All of the above brothers wrote good advices. Like they said, she's only 16 ... a rebel.

Just be firm, send her some love, be firm again ... ( the Sandwich Psychology ) ... but watch your back !!!  :icon_cool:  Qingqing respect a strong father figure, something she's never had. She may hate you now but she respects you also.

Take care my friend. :fi_lone_ranger:

[victor-hills]

Jim i hade the same with my step son he was a right sh t made my and the ex lives hell but i stood my gound with him and let him know when he steped over that line he would not get away with it he,s now 27 years old could not ask for a better son,so you can see jim it do work out but its hard going only thing i will say you got to make sure your wifes on your side when doing this or all hell will break loos mate all the best jim.