Determining her personality

[brett]

Hi all,

I'm making real progress with a beautiful girl and I think we are a good match.

So far we've found out we have a few mutual interests. She is OK about moving to the West, and she is fairly computer literate so keeping in touch with her folks would be OK.

What I'd really like to gauge though is her personality. Obviously communicating though EMFs mean that it can be difficult to gauge this.

Does anyone have any tips about getting to know what her personality is like? Since she has put natural rather than studio photos on her profile I'd guess she is fairly confident. Some of her poses suggest confidence as well.

Should I ask her what her personality is like? Or will she be hesitant to talk about herself like this? Is there a way of telling if you and her personalities would be a good match?

Thanks all!

[David5o]

Brett,

First off, all the photo's on profiles have been through a photo studio, whether they are Natural or not...
So ask her for some normal untouched photo's everyday snaps sort of thing.

Sure you should ask her what she thinks her personality is like, the same as you should be telling her about how you see your own personality. Personally, i think it's almost impossible to tell with any accuracy that your personalities are a match. but you can certainly tell if they are not.... Brett, talk and ask/discuss anything and everything in your correspondences with your lady. just be honest and upfront with her in all things and ask her to be the same with you too. You ''should'' be asking about herself, isn't that part of the whole idea of talking to her??

If you can see confidence in herself through her writing, then maybe you can start suggesting other methods of communication, such as email, IM, Phone, QQ, Web-Cam, etc.. The interaction on the IM's, QQ and webcam, can bring you a lot closer, and will also give you a better understanding of her personality, mainly because you can see her manner as your talking. One thing though.... IM's are better suited to those that can speak a little English, although there are on line translation programs, such as Google translate. They are however not foolproof by any stretch of the imagination, and take a little time to get used too.

David...

[ttwjr32]

I agree with what David said.  Brett you want to talk about anything and everything and ask those questions.
   and web cam is terrific to be on when chatting. see if your lady could and is willing to do that at any stage
   in the communication. Sisi and i chat on web cam at least 2 hours a day and it has been invaluable in
   bringing us closer as we have chatted for all these months.  and yes honesty is the best policy. just my 2
   cents worth on this
   Ted

[daghoi]

You will probably not be able to tell for sure until you have met the person and spent some time together.  If you start to feel that it could be something, try to go and see what it is like in real life. Better to find out sooner, both if it is a positive outcome or a negative.

[JimB]

To me the webcam was an invaluable tool.  I really got to know her better over the months we were separated.  before I went I was actually talking to the translator and didnt know it.  However, once we met we both knew.  Now we are married and it couldnt be better.  She is the perfect wife for me.  So follow the advice here, get natural pics, get onthe webcam.  Even if it is only through the agency, you will not regret it.  After we were engaged I bought her a laptop with a webcam in it.  like I said an invaluable tool.

[brett]

Thanks guys!

She has now given me her postal and email address, so we'll be able to try communicating directly :icon_biggrin:.

She has also agreed to travel to Guangzhou to meet me, so I don't have to embark on any tricky journeys into the wilderness on my first trip out there :huh:.

[brett]

Aaargh, I've re-read her email and noticed that she said that if we think we're a good match she will take me to meet her parents. Things are moving rather quickly :s.

I think she has a feisty personality. I wonder if I know what I am letting myself in for. But I think a feisty personality is good, because I'm not certain a shy, submissive type of girl is going to manage the severe culture shock of moving to the West, learning English and getting over the craziness of my making chinese food with basmati rice lol.

I also take comfort in the fact that my friends who have married feisty ladies seem to have successful marriages, despite my initial surprise that they would want to marry women with such strong personalities.

:fi_lone_ranger:

[Voiceroveip]

Brett, how old is she? That could explain why she's in a hurry. It also seems like they are less complex in love matters than us westerners, it starts with devotion and might end up with love. Don't forget that arranged marriage was the way to go for thousands of years in China, this only evolved recently but is still embedded in the genes. If you get her on webcam, be advised that facial expressions will not necessarily be what you expect, don't over-interpret, it took me over a year to start being able to read what my Chinese ex was actually thinking, and there is no point to ask initially as they will not tell you in order not to hurt your feelings. But with time they will learn our ways of communicating partially and things get easier.

For instance, if you laugh and joke all the time, at least in the beginning, they might think you're not serious or not trustworthy. Chinese men usually have a pokerface on, I had plenty of business dinners with factory bosses around Shanghai and always found this, even when their wives were present. So a smiling friendly joking face is not that common for them, at least not initially.

[Willy The Londoner]

Brett

Watch out for the parents - they will make or break the relationship.  If her Baba is against you then you will have to wait until he pops his clogs because she is not going to go against them no matter how much love she shows you.   These ladies and their parents have to be sure that they are making not only a loving relationship but one that will go uphill in many other ways.

I spent a long weekend with my girls dfamily some 6 houers drive away and on thew last day, her non English speaking Mama was giving me the thumbs up all day long.  

I hope that you receive the same result.  From my own experience since coming here then I would recommend confidence but do not mix it up with cockyness.  That will not go down well here.

As for personality you are not ever going to gauge that from paper - it is as David said - face to face that will make or break the relationship.


Willy

[brett]

Thanks guys. My gal is nearly 31 so that biological clock will be ticking :s.

She hasn't been married before so I'm not sure if this is something I should ask her about, although she could probably ask me the same thing (I'm 37).

I think she has a pretty good career going so if I can get her to channel her strong personality into setting up a new business venture once she's here with me then I think things would be OK. I have a full time job + a small business to run so getting constantly nagged by a woman isn't really going to work :huh:.

I'm not sure about shy, reserved girls either, my brother seems to go for them but it seems hard to get a conversation out of them and as a laid back kind of guy he really needs someone to get him off the sofa and do stuff :-/.

I will definately be looking for approval from her parents though, I really like this girl but if her parents say no then it's just not worth continuing.

[Voiceroveip]

I don't think her parents will say no, you're hard working it seems and being a good provider is essential. Unless you're hiding something from us :icon_cheesygrin: Also not being married at 31 is sort of a problem in China, for the girl but also fot the family, as always that "face" thing. But don't bet your life on finding a business partner, she's after kids and family, once the first child arrives usually the career strive becomes secondary, although there are exceptions, I know a 45 year old mother around Shanghai who runs a 50 million dollar business ...

[brett]

Thanks - I guess that her parents are anxious to see her married but I'm also a bit surprised as to why they've not found someone so far. My sister knows plenty of women who are now in their 30s and 40s who have been holding out for the mythical "Mr 100%" match :dodgy:.

As to the career, I have a decent wage but anything the lady could earn would be a huge bonus. She's an interior designer, and that's not something I know much about. I guess it would be a good job to fit around family commitments (if we had a family I could work from home a bit, and there's a day nursery in work).

Some of these chnlove girls have decent alpha female careers though, I guess that's why a lot of them haven't had time to meet the man of their dreams.

[Voiceroveip]

Another thing that  seems quite important in Chinese culture is social rank, parents will look out that their daughter marries at least at the same level that she comes from, an improvement is always appreciated of course. Even Chinese men will sometimes have a lower class mistress but stick to a same rank wife. Then again I don't know how that applies to abroad marriage, but I'm sure a factory worker would have a hard time catching an educated Chinese lady from a good family socially speaking, no matter how prestigious his home country is. I'm sure your girl already figured all that out.

About your outlook on business, don't forget that she's a Chinese interior designer, not necessarily the same taste as in the West, so unless you have a large Chinese community that could make a good customer base for her where you live, things my not be as easy.

I would recommend that you focus on your feelings and hers, don't look at this like a mixed business/family deal, it won't last without the right feelings and commitment. Also make sure she knows about your lifestyle and what to expect financially, put into perspective with the cost of living in the West. While USD 2000 a month would be an extremely comfortable income in China, in the US or Europe you don't go far with that.

You're right about the careers conflicting with marriage plans, I've heard that Chinese men don't necessarily like to marry a successful business woman, risk of competition?

[brett]

There's a large Chinese community in the UK, although they're mostly Cantonese so I'm not sure if this would help.

My girl was asking me about how she could work in this country, although I have told her we don't really need the money (well unless she's a major shopaholic lol). I think she will have her hands full with learning English for a couple of years anyway. It would be nice to find her some kind of job though, as I suspect she will need to feel busy. As you know the Chinese tend to work extremely long hours compared to us so it would feel strange for them to suddenly have nothing to do.

[Vince G]

Voice, She's a interior designer? in China? I don't see much business in residential design. Maybe she does commercial offices and such?

I thought of taking my power washer and a couple of barrels of bleach when I go there? I think I could be a millionaire within a year.


Brett, I wonder about income, my lady IS a shopaholic. Her last letter said something of walking hand and hand while she shops? :s:icon_biggrin: