When the spirit is fading

[Hans]

OK, I have to get this off my chest. I apologize for the length of this text.

I have been corresponding with my lady since early May now and I have felt more and more confident that we will actually meet like we have discussed. Nothing has indicated so far that she is fake or that she is corresponding with other men (knock on wood). We correspond every two or three days (that is what I have time for right now) and write short emails in Chinese as well.

I only have one problem. From the very beginning she has been sending me studio pictures. We talked early on about meeting via webcam and talking on the phone. She seemed very eager to do it. Then she said that since the agency is so far away and she would like to have an interpreter with her the first time we meet on a webcam, maybe we should wait. I was disappointed but accepted that she was shy. I asked for her phone number and she replied that her phone didn't have an international service so I could not call her. I asked for her number again and said that I wanted to try anyway, I could send a text message and we would both see if she received it or not. No reply.

I have kept asking for REAL pictures of her, she has kept replying that she does not have a camera. I suggested that maybe she could use her phone to take some pictures. She replied that the quality would be bad and when I told her I didn't care about the pixel quality she finally sent me two pictures (apparently not taken with a phone but with an ordniary camera). I was very happy and thought that maybe she had borrowed a camera from a friend. But no, she suddenly "found" the pictures in her computer.

I sent her a hand written letter in Chinese. She was very happy and excited when she got it and took two photos of it. So suddenly she has got a camera now? About the webcam suggestion: She lives in a dormitory at her company but has a computer in her room which she uses to send the letters to the agency. So what is the problem? She apparently has a camera at her disposal and she does have her own computer, still she is not willing do to anything else but write EMF letters and emails. I keep sending her pictures of me but I never get anything back (she send romantic pictures and music but honestly I would prefer pictures of her, not hearts and flowers).

I have thought about these issues more and more and to be honest, I am pretty disappointed. I understand that she is shy. But if she can't even send me pictures because of it, what will happen when we finally meet (trip scheduled for December)? Will she hide behind a tree? As a student going to China is a big economic commitment for me. I don't want to go there not feeling entirely commited to her. If I am going in December, I would like to have more certainty about this woman. Letters are not enough. Just like a girl said to me recently: "People can write anything in letters, it's easy to write I love you. A child can do that."

She has sent me a "gift" in the mail, it would take up to two weeks to arrive so I am waiting to see what it is before I decide anything drastic. But right now, I feel the spirit is slowly fading away (the first sign is that the letters are harder to write).

[Martin]

Letters are not enough. Just like a girl said to me recently: "People can write anything in letters, it's easy to write I love you. A child can do that."

Wait to see what this "gift" is...maybe you will have to write her a letter and tell her what you wrote here...that the letters are just not enough.  You want your relationship to move forward, and it seems to have come to a standstill.

[Irishman]

Hans, she is worried like crazy that you won't like the "real" her is how i read this.
If she has sent you a real picture in the post then great, make sure to flatter the heck out of her when you get it.

Send her some of your bad pictures, ones that you don't like of yourself, ones that will make her realise you are the real deal..for better or for worse.

[maxx]

Hans there could be a number of reasons.Why she doesn't want to do the web cam.Biggest reason is probably her English ability.The other reason is how much is the agency going to Charge her for the web cam session.(You Have to set up the link have a translater.Get time off from work to go to the agency) If she is working in a factory she doesn't make alot of money.And she has already laid out alot of money to just be registerd with the agency.

I think I would just do like Martin suggested.Wate and see what the gift is.Then move forward from there.

You don't know all the facts to her living and working conditions.Or the contract she signed with the agency.This all could be a strain on her finances.And There is still a halfe a dozen reasons why she won't do a web cam.

If you feel you haven't gained any forward motion with the relationship before your trip.Put the back up plan in order.Have the agency name phone # and address.I'm sure they would be more then happy and introduce you to another lady.

[Hans]

Hans, she is worried like crazy that you won't like the "real" her is how i read this.
If she has sent you a real picture in the post then great, make sure to flatter the heck out of her when you get it.

Send her some of your bad pictures, ones that you don't like of yourself, ones that will make her realise you are the real deal..for better or for worse.

Yes, that is how I interpret it too. And I will wait for the package before I address this issue with her. I can understand if she is uncertain and all that but I am not here just to write letters, I don't want a pen pal. I never had this problem with the ladies I was corresponding with before. I want things to move forward, otherwise I can go look for someone else. If she has been lying about the camera, I am not sure if I want to pursue this.

Btw, I have sent all kinds of pictures to her because I ran out of the "good" ones pretty fast. So she has certainly seen what I look like.

[Hans]

Hans there could be a number of reasons.Why she doesn't want to do the web cam.Biggest reason is probably her English ability.The other reason is how much is the agency going to Charge her for the web cam session.(You Have to set up the link have a translater.Get time off from work to go to the agency) If she is working in a factory she doesn't make alot of money.And she has already laid out alot of money to just be registerd with the agency.

I think I would just do like Martin suggested.Wate and see what the gift is.Then move forward from there.

You don't know all the facts to her living and working conditions.Or the contract she signed with the agency.This all could be a strain on her finances.And There is still a halfe a dozen reasons why she won't do a web cam.

If you feel you haven't gained any forward motion with the relationship before your trip.Put the back up plan in order.Have the agency name phone # and address.I'm sure they would be more then happy and introduce you to another lady.

Thanks Maxx. You completely right, I don't know all the facts. It's good I have some time to think about this because right now, I feel like sending her an angry letter. And I won't.

I have told her that we can speak Chinese during our webcam meeting. I can prepare well and she wouldn't have to speak a word of English. Since I and the lady have been talking about the importance of honesty so much from the very beginning, I dislike if she is lying to me for whatever reason. Maybe earlier relationships have made me too sensitive about it, but I simply don't tolerate lies.

I don't think I will go to China in December if it won't be to visit her. I am a student and therefore I can't stay for longer than 8-9 days. It is hard enough to get to know a person who speaks your language during that limited period of time, to meet a complete stranger from the agency who doesn't speak a word of English would probably not be very successful.

[maxx]

I understand that you have put a lot of effort into this.And you don't feel the lady is puttimg forth the effort.I would probably feel the same way as you.

But we don't know what the translater is telling the lady.Is the translater translating the whole letter or is the translater just giving her a consolidated version of the letter.The only way to find out is to eather get the lady away from the translater or go to China.And have the face to face meeting.

I would  just flow with it.you have alot of time to work on the web cam Chat.

[Vince G]

Maybe it's a money thing? When you show up she has a fee to pay so maybe she's trying to slow it down?

[Arnold]

Hans , here is how I see it .
First , your only 27 , so you have many year's left to find the " RIGHT " Woman for yourself .
Second , she has been reluctant about the Photo's of her real self . I would never ask more than twice or move on .
Third , If she indeed lied to you , as much as you dislike lies ... also let it go .
Fourth , it might break her Heart if you call it quit's .
And last , you go and see her and you see how she realy feels about you ..face to face .. no hidding behind anything .
So ... let's see , if I had the Finances at your age , I'll go and see her . If it's a bust , enjoy the rest of your Trip , you never know if you will ever come back there . Your chinese skills will help you along right either way . So what are you waiting for ? besides the Gift package ?

[Hans]

Vince, I don't think it is a money issue, actually. I have not had the feeling that she does not want me to visit her in December. She has told me she will be very, very nervous, though (naturally, so will I).

Arnold, you're a quite relaxed guy, aren't you? :icon_cool: I usually follow my gut instinct on things, including relationships. What I feel inside. Since I haven't received the gift package yet, I can't do much yet except speculate.

I know it would probably break her heart if I told her I want to back off from this. But on the other hand, I can't go along with a relationship just because I don't want to upset her! Am I just to accept that 1) she does not want me to see real pictures of her and 2) that she is lying to prevent me from asking?

Yes, I know a little Chinese. But she lives in Guangdong province, where a lot of people speak Cantonese. I study Mandarin. She has told me that she does speak Mandarin too but I begin to fear that her accent is so completely different from the Beijing accent I study and understand that we will not be able to communcate without a translator between us anyway. That is one reason I would like to speak to her on the phone before I visit her, to limit the number of "?".

[Londoner]

Hans you have legitimate concerns here, which would have worried me too. I think you should insist on getting her on a webcam before you set off for China (by the way, even this itself would't grantee a success). If her reluctance to chat on a webcam is really because of the language issue, why doesn’t she get QQ, which most Chinese with an access to a computer do? Both QQ and MSN have translation facilities, so long as you are writing short sentences back and forth, you can get a reasonable translation out of it.

Good luck anyway mate.

Torano

[shaun]

Hans,

I just recently had my first web-chat. If there was not an interpreter there I think it would have been horrible. She kind of kept things moving along.  Plus she encouraged Pinky to talk and to sing.  Pinky was as nervous as I was.  We spoke and hour and 15 minutes and I didn't say one word in Mandarin; didn't even think of it.  Nerves.

Secondly the picture thing.  From reading a lot of the threads here it appears many of the women there fear natural pictures thinking we might leave.  Pinky doesn't have one but is a restaurant owner.  I imagine their sense of economics is much different than ours.  Here in America we men have a tendency to like gadgets and toys of all kinds.  The women there see to be more practical in their expenditures. She may still not own a camera and is borrowing one from a friend.  By the way, I did get my photo and only one. I ordered her a camera and a photo printer only to find that it was defective and sent it back.  Bought it on ebay.  

Consider this.  The real problems is that you could possibly be having second thoughts about going to China.  This is normal because of the expense involved.  If it was not expensive almost every single man would go to China.

All of what you have been saying could be as a result of the translators input into the emf.  I recently discovered that Pinky's translator has been writing things to me and not passing them to Pinky to keep the translator the only form of access.  I imagine it happens all of the time.  After all this is one of the ways they make money.  After a web-cam visit and a trip the translator is usually out of the picture and they know it so consider your options carefully.

Shaun

[brett]

Irishman has a good suggestion about sending bad pictures of yourself. I sent my girl some pretty bad pictures of me (harsh lighting, no photoshopping, no softening, rubbish clothes, drinking beer with buddies) but she's still interested.

Mine still won't send natural pictures of herself to me directly through email. I think this is just a woman thing more than anything else. Fortunately, unlike many of the other girls she has sent me pictures of her out and about, rather than in the studio.

Also I heard that if you don't visit your girl within 6 months then they will naturally begin to think that you're not the man for her, after all if a man is *really* in love with a girl he will drop everything and book that flight.

[Willy The Londoner]

Hans

At 27 I would not be looking for a wife I would be taking up all the offers I get at even my extended age.

At your age I woulds find a way to live in China and just enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

I am 60 and and am still putting off women as young as 20 from coming on strong.

Willy (the Viagra warrior)

[ahkiwi]

LOL Willy, an apt name for the Viagra Warrior
:icon_cheesygrin: